Moving On...Inside

I believe we are all here for a Higher Purpose...that we are placed on this Planet as Spiritual Beings whose reason for being is to evolve both as individuals and as a collective. This requires a personal perspective that does not become so narrow that it excludes others. At the same time, it also requires a group perspective that honors individuality and personal creativity. That said, within this context, committed relationships take on a very different purpose, because they provide the opportunities for both individual and collective development.

I realize that most people in committed relationships (i.e., long-term monogamy or marriage) do not see Life in this way, let alone their relationships. This blog seeks to share some insights with those in committed relationships--to those who feel they are with their Soulmate, and want to remain together for as long as possible in authentic ways. In other words, to grow as individuals, together, toward their Higher Selves and Higher Purpose.

When we feel we have found that One True Soulmate, it is truly awesome and wondrous. To sincerely feel that something Larger has brought you together is unique. If we live long enough with that person to only find that you were wrong about them, that can be devastating. It may shake the very foundations of your beliefs, and not just your faith in relationships or your judgment. (It is important to not let this experience deter you from seeking further. Every experience provides wisdom that can be used in other experiences. Continuing self-doubt only prevents you from developing further and keeps you down.)

We each must find those thoughts and deeds and prayers that keep us moving along to our Higher Purpose. In hindsight, we hopefully see things so much more clearly, but I am here to offer to those interested in staying with their Soulmate, to share what I have learned from my experiences so that you may go into your Future together with eyes (and Heart) wide open, with a clarity of Vision.

First and foremost, and above all other advice (because it impacts so many other things), be honest with your Mate. A true relationship can limp back from many infractions and imperfections if there is a foundation of honesty. Patterns of deception that go on with one believing in the other (despite the signs), and then are found to be lies over a period of time only destroy what faith and trust existed in the relationship. This is difficult to regain or rebuild, especially if the lies were compounded by actual confirmation of the deception.

Now here comes the next most important thing: learn to communicate with each other on deeper levels and about all aspects of the relationship. I say "learn" because most of us really don't know how to effectively communicate with our Selves, let alone with others. Add large doses of emotional content into that mix and communication may break down completely. I know that some people have difficulty talking about their emotional state with any one, but if you cannot speak openly with your partner about the foundation of your relationship, then I would say the relationship is in grave trouble.

If you have honesty and communication, you already have the next important ingredient for a healthy relationship: respect. I say this because you have to respect your partner to be honest with them, and to be able to be vulnerable when communicating openly about emotions.

There it is: Honesty, Communication, Respect. Everything else stems from and depends on these qualities in a relationship. Sounds simple enough, but it seems these are difficult things to come by. When these do not exist in a relationship, where are these two people? Where is the relationship? Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to these questions. I am at that Place now and do not know what to do, but I guess this is where spiritual foundations come into play.

When there is the lack of honesty, there can be no trust. When there is no trust, every behavior becomes suspect. When you acknowledges the deception, but cannot discuss the reasons for it, there is no moving on. Is it just more deception?

I cannot live that way, so I move on inside, trying to disconnect and be happy outside. But how does one sever the emotional bonds with the Love of One's Life? How does one get over the reasons for the deceptions? Or what each lie and outside relationship meant in terms of where you were in the equation? It is tempting to fight fire with fire, but the spiritual imperative kicks in and you are faced with even more frustrating choices and decisions...if you wish to remain true to your Self.

Anniversary Gift to my Spouse

Anniversaries mark significant events in our lives. Some are cause for celebration and happiness, and others remind us of tragedy that is difficult to forget. This anniversary arrives with a bit of both…

We are together this year to honor another year as Husband and Wife. This is a special anniversary simply because you are still here.

On the other hand, this is the anniversary of your time away, and a reminder of where you were (and probably still are) inside yourself. You were not with me, and so unhappy because of me that you compromised principles and habits to flee in an attempted escape to who knows where. Last year could have been the last year of our marriage.

Now, almost a year has past. This is a time to accept that many things have not changed—for both of us. Now more than ever, we both need clarity that we cannot give to each other together, so it is time to seek that clarity within ourselves. I acknowledge my too deep feelings for you, but realize these are withering fruits on a vine. You do not care for me as a husband for his wife, and will never truly be there for me, so I freely give you your freedom. You no longer have to pretend, or feel the need to deceive, or feign amnesia so you do not have to talk about what was and is. This is the freedom to “be.” Only you can choose what that freedom means to you.

So this anniversary is an end and a beginning…I need to end the pain of acknowledging who you are and realizing who you are not. You need this so you can get on with being who you were meant to be…without guilt or self-deception.

I knew I would have to let go of the things that happened, but feared that in the letting go, bits of you would also fall away, and I would be left with only numbness. Now I must take that risk, because I must accept the way things are. I also acknowledge that we have been the deepest of friends and truly value that above all. This is where My Beginning will be.

We both need to gather the true Essence of our Selves, and grow toward our Highest Self and Purpose, to decide what we want to do with our lives, even if the probability is that this Life will not include each other. I pray that Divine Intervention will ensure that we will be together for many more anniversaries.

With too much love and too many imperfections,
Your Wife

Our Anniversary

It's our Anniversary! I wish that was a time to celebrate, but it only serves as a reminder of the events of the past year. One year ago was the time when he was full on into being deceptive and pretending to still be in the relationship, while he was maintaining almost daily contact with her. They were discussing how very unhappy he was, what terrible things I was doing to him, how he would divorce me, and how they would spend their time together as a couple. All the while, he picked fights with me and hurled accusations of what I was allegedly doing to him, fabricating absurd reasons for my allegedly deceptive motives for marrying him. There was, of course, no pattern of behavior or conversation (even in the heat of the Moment) to support any of this. In fact, history, actions, discussions (and Reality) demonstrated quite the opposite of what he was saying.

Of course, I did not know what was going on at the time. I suspected, but when I asked things like "Is there anything that I should be concerned about" or "Is there anything you want to tell me," he would say know "No, I'm just hanging out with his buddies." I found out later what was actually going on, and what he finally acknowledged confirmed many suspicions.

I acknowledge that things are somewhat different now. Or at least on the surface, it appears that way. However, since last year, I have been able to verify enough to know that he was being deeply deceptive over an extended period of time. I have no idea how deep this deception went and for how long he has been lying to me. At this point, it is moot, because I do not trust him. He lied so well and with such conviction, like he was practiced at doing it. His honesty was one of the qualities I most admired about him, and without that, I don't know what I think about him as a person.

I must give him credit for things having changed on some levels. Although he does not speak about her in depth, he has said that she would have been "suicide" for him; that she fabricated a good deal of what she has said about him; and that he has not contacted her. It does appear that she is off whoring about, but I am reminded that these statements are coming from a confirmed liar.

Will things get better? I truly don't know. What I do know is that he is emotionally disconnected from me, and no relationship can last without that deeper connection. I can forgive him many things and move on, if I knew that he was being honest now (but I have no such assurances). I could move on and leave all the events of the last year behind, if he could speak of it openly and without escalating (but he cannot). I could turn off the pain that flows inside if he acknowledged what happened and showed remorse (but he can only say "I am sorry for what happened" and nothing more). I could accept this as an opportunity to help us grow in our relationship, but there are others about which he will not speak, and says only the same things he said with her: they are "his buddies."

(ASIDE: I recently walked in on a casual gathering of my husband, one of his female "buddies" and another male friend. Hubbie was introducing his male friend to his female friend, but evidently there was some confusion. His male friend thought the female was his wife (hmm, what made him think that?). My husband was remarking to her that the other "thought you were my wife" and she remarked "Is that a bad thing?" I walked in just as she said that, and then my husband introduced me to her as "The Missus." Never has he ever introduced me to anyone as his wife. Now this may all be nothing, but it seemed strange that she considered being mistaken for his wife was not a "bad thing." I asked him about what she meant and he almost went into a rage immediately. Hmmm...)

I don't know how long I can last without an emotional connection to the man I married for Life, and whom I thought was my True Soulmate. I can accept our deep Friendship. This is very important in my Life as well. But how long can I continue without the things I married him for? I cannot depend on him for emotional support and caring; for honesty and respect; for open, thoughtful communication. Forget affection and comfort. He sees me crying, and his response is "What now?" He sees me writing a letter, and he says, "That's not for me, is it?" I wonder how he can have compassion for strangers and none for his Wife?

I cry in Silence, but soon I will have no more tears for Us, and they will stop. I shudder when I think of what will happen when I stop caring.

Epitaph to My Heart

Here lies a Heart in its last throes...
Once overflowing with Love and emotion
For one who was thought to be the One.

Too much time has passed without air,

Too many things have been left undone.

Too many heartbeats, too many tears

Gone, unnoticed, without nourishment,

No comfort, no care.

As the Life Blood slowly ebbed away.

The distance grew, as the cold winds blew,
And the poison flowed in from everywhere:
Loving gestures were twisted into ugliness;
Unconditional love, forged into malicious intention.
So many reasons were needed to justify the deception,
To make it appear that Love was not there,
To make him feel that I did not care,
When none could be found, they were fabricated,
And cloaked in denial.

All the while, the Heart bled
Until there was no more left to give.
For what is there left for which to live
When it was all one Big Lie?
Now Reality must be forged
Into a state of numbness;
The Heart must be closed so that
My eyes may be wide open,
To see the Future unclouded with pain,
Without the fog of unrequited love.
Instead of tears, bring on the cleansing rain
To wash away the tainted past.
Will he leave or somehow evolve and last?
Who knows what the Future will be.
I will have to wait...patiently for my Destiny.

What About the Other Woman?

You know who you are. You are the needy (wanty), greedy ones who look for emotional connection with those you know are unavailable because you feel this provides some "protection." (Only you know what really goes in that brain of yours as rationalization and denial set in and you begin to deal with your conflicted emotions.) But in a zen way, the unattainable are the very ones you desire most, and you do not accept this until you are in too deeply. (This opinion does not apply to those who are deceived from the beginning into thinking that the object of their desire is available. No, this post pertains to those who begin, continue and persist with those they know are married, and are not separated or actively in the process of divorce.)

In my situation, I have had opportunities to communicate with the other woman. I think I have come to know her pretty well from these interactions, her freely dribbling blogs, and what others and my husband have said about her. All these things together have been consistent, if nothing else. Who she is as a person translates into a predictable woman of low integrity and high self-denial. She has low self-esteem, is very immature, and manipulates those around her for sympathy by being ill or tired or distraught all the time. She feigned pregnancy and publicly threatened to commit suicide when my husband ignored her. She appeals more to strangers because they simply do not know the real her. She claims to "be real," but seems to find more comfort in fabricating a "reality" that is appealing to others, while neglecting her own internal reality--unhealthy, emotionally dysfunctional, manipulative, and all the while saying she is such a good person, and bemoaning all the terrible things that happen to her.

This same self-professed "honest" person insists she is the victim. She acknowledges that she knew that my husband was married. She refuses to accept the reality that she is a person that my husband could not be with, because she is the sum total of so many things he intensely dislikes in other women. I guess in the manner of committing emotional suicide, it was predictable that he would be with such a person. Of course, he is not blameless in this affair, but at any point, she could have said no.

Even now, many months after it is over, she is still talking to other people about him as if they will be together some day. She is supposedly in a committed relationship now, but never seems to speak publicly of the other.

For people like this, they want sympathy, yet get angry, feel hurt and victimized when another does the exact same thing to them. They feel that what another does is justification for deceit and betrayal and the violation of sacred bonds. She is not alone. How many people feel that if someone does X to them, that means they can do Y back. (I don't give me that crap about "An eye for an eye.") Of course, being hurt and in pain because of deception and betrayal cause feelings of anger and revenge to enter into your Mind. But following through on these malicious thoughts is doubly wrong as what that person did to you.

For those of you who have been though what I have been through and do not retaliate, how do you reconcile the feelings of betrayal and other woman? It is tempting to do the same thing. You learn the bitter lessons that this experience brings and get on with your Life. But that is easier said than done...

Acceptance

When you change the way you think about things,

The things you think about change.

Wayne Dyer

Hello, World! It has been awhile..been living, doing, thinking, and growing--trying to put into practice some of the ways of being I have shared here. It is getting...better, easier to go longer periods without feeling the deep pain of what has been. Can I find forgiveness? Yes. But forgetting is just not to be found. Forgetting would mean embracing a false amnesia of who my husband really is. It would be a denial of what each of us actually thought and (separately) felt about our so-called marriage. That is the area of clarity that all of these past events has brought. There was a fog enveloping our marriage from the beginning, and the knowledge of Truth has brought things into a sharp focus. Like finding out that the world is really round, after thinking it was flat, there is no going back. But there can be acceptance, and I can find that state as a middle road to the Future.

I accept that my vision of a healthy marriage is not wrong. I am not idealistic about it. A marriage is when two people feel they are stronger, happier, better together, than separate. The two connect uniquely in Love--mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They do not think exactly alike, but complement each other's thinking. They do not seek to change each other, but grow with each other in the process of compromise. They do not live perfectly, but follow the Path toward Perfection. There will be conflicts and bad days, but this is also how their relationship will grow and be ever renewed as they grow old together.

I accept that my husband does not seek this sort of union with me. I thought we were in agreement regarding the relationship we each desired and, for me, being married to this man in this manner was my vow, and my opportunity to finally live it. I believe that he wants similar things as I want in a relationship, but I do not provide these things in the ways that connect deeply within him. We connect mentally, but now I realize that a deeper connection on the other levels is not there--there is minimal physical affection or emotional comfort, mutual spiritual reflection or communication. So what else is left that then defines this as a marriage?

If I could not provide what he needs, and he was so unhappy with me that he would live his life with another, I will not hold him. I will not wait for him to love me, or try any longer to convince him of my love. I love him too much for that. I love my Self more than that.

I accept that what has happened now defines our Future. This will happen again. Maybe not for a while and probably not with her, but it will happen again. I certainly don't believe she was the first--just the first that he got caught with. There is no blame being placed here. Just the absence of trust. The last year has shown me that my husband is not the person I thought I married. I accept I was wrong, but will not beat myself up over it. I also accept that this is the man I loved like no other, and that he is human.

I accept that we can be friends for a time. But I also recognize and accept that I have needs that I have adjusted, compromised, rationalized away and minimized for too too long because I thought his pain and needs were greater than mine. I am emotionally and spiritually fatigued. I am hungry for emotional comfort that will never come. I have no more to give. To remain emotionally present in this relationship is like being thirsty and choosing to remain in the desert.

I accept that everything happens for a reason. It will just take time to find the reason. Perhaps it is better that I find out these things about him sooner than later. In acceptance, I save my Self and I can at least prepare for what may come.

Sharing the Pain...and the Life Lessons

I'd like to share this blog that I discovered recently
with those who have arrived here for similar reasons:

http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Don't Know Mind

About a month ago, I synchronously came upon an passage in a book I was reading regarding "don't know mind." The words resonated within and practicing this concept intrigued me, as I have been in a state of not knowing for some time. (I am certain that the state of confusion I had felt at times in recent months was not what that practice was all about :) "Being present" is helpful in challenging times, but the concept of "don't know" mind seemed to take mindfulness to another level.

If you don't understand, or if you have an answer but don't know how to respond, only keep a "don't know" mind. Don't hold the problem in your thinking mind. Keeping a "don't know" mind means cutting off all thinking. Cutting off all discursive thoughts takes us to the wellspring of our true nature, and brings us to the present Moment. What are you doing just now?

Your mind is like the sea. When the wind comes, there are very big waves. When the wind dies down, the waves become smaller and smaller, until finally the wind disappears altogether and the sea is like a clear mirror. Then mountains, trees and all things are reflected on the surface of the sea. There are many thought-waves in your mind. But if you continue to practice "don't know" mind, this thinking will become gradually smaller, until finally your mind will always be clear. When the mind becomes clear, it is like a mirror: red comes and the mirror is red; yellow comes and the mirror is yellow; a mountain comes and the mirror is a mountain. Your mind is the mountain; the mountain is your mind. They are not two. So it is very important not to be attached either to thinking or to not thinking. You mustn't be upset by anything that goes on in your mind. Only don't worry and keep don't know mind. So it all depends on how you are keeping your mind just now, at this very moment! This just-now mind continues and becomes your life, as one point continues and becomes a straight line. So I ask you: What are you? You don't know; there is only "I don't know." (Zen Master Seung Sahn)

Since then, I have tried very hard to put this philosophy into action, and I am here to tell you that I have a long way to go. I can be Present, and acknowledge and relax into a state of "not knowing." This does help for a short time, and I have tried to apply this to the situation with my husband.

To his credit, it appears that he has had no further contact with the other woman, but he does not want to work through what happened. No counseling or mediation. No further conversations about it. His solution is pretending it never was.

So I don't know how things will be, but there are some things that I do know: He is with me, but it is not because he loves me. I know this because there is little talk of emotions, or affection, or words of endearment. I believe now that she was not the first (only the first one I found out about), that there will be others (there may already be, and he might just be more careful), and that he will eventually leave, finding some way to blame me for it. So I must prepare myself emotionally for the inevitable. Most of all, I don't want "don't know" to turn into "don't care."

I wish things were very different. I wish that he openly felt more for me, that he wanted to convince me that she did not matter and I did. That he had gotten over her to the degree that he could speak about her openly and matter-of-factly. That he couldn't bear the thought of losing me. Isn't this how a husband and wife should be together? Evidently, this is just my one-sided fantasy of how things could be.

We are good friends in other areas of our life, and perhaps that is more important than love? We work well together, share many things in common, have intelligent conversations, help each other out, and I do believe he is a good person inside, even if he is a dishonest person. However, I am becoming less willing to settle for the very minimal emotional attention he provides, and the lies have done their damage.

Let me qualify...truly it is not the infidelity and lies that have damaged the relationship, for I could come to understand (and forgive) why he felt deception was necessary at the time. It is the unwillingness to acknowledge the lies or feel remorse for them. He will not talk about what the truth is or how he feels. He does not acknowledge how he would feel if I had done something similar. And on the flip side, he does not give me credit for the strength it has taken for me to accept what happened and try to move on. He feels that saying "I am sorry this happened" once is all the apology that is needed to get on with our life. And all of this simply confirms he has little investment in our future together.

So I guess seeking peace is evolving into actively creating peace within, but how will this all turn out? I just don't know...

Look at this face. I know the years are showing.
Look at this life. I still don't know where it's going.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.

Look at these eyes--they never've seen what mattered.
Look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.

So many questions still left unanswered;
So much I've never broken through.
And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly
The only truth I've ever known is me and you.

Look at this man, so blessed with inspiration.
Look at this soul, still searching for salvation.
I don't know much, but I know I love you
And that may be all I need to know.

What Dreams May Come?

The Paths of You and Me,

That began as the One Path of Us,
Separate at the crossroads of our Future.
Now here I stand nonplussed;
Sadly, I hesitate, needing to make a choice:

Which road shall I tread?

On the Path With You, I dream that you are there,

With compassion, affection, honesty,

You see yourself clearly, and you see me where
You are, in the midst of our Happiness.

On the Path of Me, I can dream of you no more,
For you are elusive, cold, isolated,
Closeness and intimacy you deplore,
Hiding behind your defensive wall of deception.

I pray for the Path of Us,

But wonder if it ever was.

As I took those steps,
Walking in our shoes
Was I in a dream?
(Stupid is as stupid does)
Or was there solid footing inclined
Upwards?

Standing at the crossroads,
I will never know,
For all that is behind,
Far beyond the Horizon
Of our Long Ago.
Perplexed that it could not last,
Wondering what dreams may come,
What the Future may bring
I shudder with dread, and want to run.

Letter to My Spouse

I wish that it was such between us that I could say these things to you face to face, that you were in a place within your Self that you could listen and hear what I have been trying to communicate for so long. Alas, I am relegated to a space in a place outside Us to say what I must. For I must let go of the things you wish me to forget. The letting go is not so I can pretend they never happened (as you are trying to do), but to get on with my Life.

I will listen to your Message, perhaps at the cost of Us, but not at the expense of Me. For too long, I have loved you unconditionally, despite the unbalanced love, imagined slights, hurtfulness, lies and betrayal. For too long, I thought that you were so wounded Inside that you needed a stronger Love to surpass your own Inner Pain. I believed that you needed a patient understanding from someone who truly cared about you so you could get beyond the things that held you back from Being who you are.

All the while, you withdrew more and more, and accused me of leaving you alone, saying this is why you went to others. You rejected the myriad suggestions for us to be together, and stood by passively saying we did nothing. You provided no alternatives, and said I was the cause of your boredom. You entered into an intimate relationship with another woman (was she the only one?), making plans for your Future together, and you did things that you would never accept from me. You perceive attacks in reconstructive comments, and I am supposedly the one with a guilty conscience. When there was nothing worse you could cite, you fabricated an evil, malicious version of me to blame for what you were doing. Somehow I became the default reason while all your deceptions were justified, and why there is no need for you to apologize for the betrayal and violation of our Relationship.

Despite all this, what you have done in the last year is not good enough reason for me to be mistrustful and cautious and confused about you and us. I could forgive you for the deception and even the intimacies with her, but I am tired of apologizing for trite things you will never forgive, that you have inflated to huge proportions to balance your indiscretions. I am tired of persisting in a relationship without a sincere Love or tenderness. I must cease the futile attempts (and yes, I see now just how futile they have been) to prove something that you will never believe no matter what is presented before you or demonstrated.

The unbalance of our Relationship has tipped until the weight of it is too much to bear. Now I must balance who I am to love more: you or me. Haven't we learned that making false assumptions will destroy our relationship? Yet you hold on to and manipulate your false assumptions to justify your actions. You say things are different now, but you will not let go. You will not go to counseling, despite your suggesting it, because "we will speak of the Past." You say you do not want to be with her, but not why you want to be with me, so you feel that saying nothing should be interpreted as everything being fine. There is a simple answer, but you cannot speak it, because you do not feel it, and this I must learn to accept. I do love you still, but will not try to make you love me when you don't. We can try to look to the future, but only the Future will tell.

In My Beginning is My End

I said to my Soul, be still, and wait without hope,
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing.
Wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing.
There is yet faith, but the faith and the love
And the hope are all in the waiting.

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought;

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness, the dancing...

Trying to use words and every attempt

Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure

Because one has only learnt to get the better of words;
For the thing one no longer has to say,
Or the way in which one is no longer disposed to say it…

Home is where one starts from.
As we grow older the world becomes stranger,
the pattern more complicated of dead and living.
Not the intense moment isolated,
With no before and after,

But a lifetime burning in every moment;
And not the lifetime of one man only,

But of old stones that cannot be deciphered.

Love is most nearly itself when
Here and now cease to matter.

Old men ought to be explorers--

Here or there does not matter;

We must be still and still moving into another intensity

For a further union, a deeper communion

Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,

The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters

Of the petrel and the porpoise.

In my end is my beginning.

T. S. Eliot

The Darkness Around Us is Deep

A thick fog is enveloping us, choking the thin atmosphere that exists around us. No clarifying ray of Hope can be seen on the Horizon. There will be no more discussion of why or how we got Here. But the winding, deceiving ways to the place that is Now cannot leave my head. All I hear are the intimate conversations, pet names, and whispered affections that took place while I was sitting in the room. The secret codes, Twitterings, webcam visits, text messages, phone calls, and long conversations into the wee hours of the morning long after I had gone to sleep. "You have nothing to be concerned about. I'm just talking to my buddy."

Some of those conversations were about the uncaring bitch he lived with. I was just the person living in the same house who felt nothing and meant nothing, so could easily be discarded and disrespected. Divorce and their Future together was discussed before he spent His Time with her. All of this while I helped him get ready for "his vacation" and prepared to drive him to and from the airport. How sad that it was all turned back on me. He saw nothing Good in what I did. Ever? He saw nothing wrong in treating me as if I was the perpetrator of the Crimes to our relationship. "She means nothing to me. She is just a friend."

When he was with her, I did not exist. No calls, no birthday wishes, no emails...a curt assurance that he was safe such a long way from Home came only after several tries. Then, he could not say what was the Truth. Even now he cannot say the Truth, that he loved her, made her promises about their future, bought her things, cried with her in his arms. She thought she was pregnant at one point. There were shared experiences and deep intimacies that go beyond sex, that go beyond me. "But I never said I loved her."

He is with me now, but for what? I truly do not know. He does not touch me with tenderness, or look at me with a look of Love in his eyes. He does not see the Beauty in me, in the Us that was for a brief instant. How does respect simply appear from the place within where there was none to begin?

My husband, how would you feel if I did the same things to you? "Go for it." The Darkness around us is deep...

Staying Awake

If you don't know the kind of person I am,

And I don't know the kind of person you are,

A pattern that others made may prevail in the world,

And following the wrong god home, we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the Mind,

A shrug that lets the fragile sequence break;

Sending with shouts, the horrible errors of childhood,

Storming out to play through the broken dike.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,

But if one wanders, the circus won't find the park,

I call it cruel and maybe the root of cruelty

To know what occurs, but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,

A remote important region in all who talk;

Though we could fool each other, we should consider

Lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the Dark.

For it is important that awake people be Awake,

Or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep.

The signals we give - yes or no, or maybe -should be clear;

The Darkness around us is deep.

William Stafford

He Loves Me; He Loves Me Not

Listening to Indigo Daisies…it was my fate.
He loves me, he loves me not…
Did he ever love me? He forgot.
(Is it too late?)
Lyrics echo my thoughts, mirror my pain.
I want to run away from the unexplained.
Running never solves anything;
Running changes nothing.
Should I stay if he is still charmed by others’ arms?
I dream of laying in a field of peaceful tranquility,
In your arms, with no worries.
Don’t want to live without your touch.
But I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
You can't make your heart feel something it won’t.

Where is my baby? ‘Cause I miss him so much.

When Truth was Deception

What do you do when you come to know you have lived a Lie?
When the certainty of Truth WAS the lie?
Feelings of doubt, betrayal, uncertainty prevail.

How does one get beyond that terrible truth?
Can any good created by the past return?
Does anything of the past actually exist?
Thoughts of confusion, mistrust, betrayal prevail.

Would it have been better to live the Lie?
Blind to the truth of what actually was?
Any future built on the tenuous foundation
Of a blind acceptance for the sake of a false peace
Can only be a Grand Deception.

The Lies bind you in a ghost mansion of
Shadows and false Emotions.
The Truth shall set you free.
But the Truth is sometimes painful
And difficult to accept with Grace.

This is Life. Evolution.
All happens for a Purpose
Which we can only come to understand
With Clarity and Inner Peace.

But what of Love?

Paying Attention

A changed thought system can reverse
cause-and-effect as we have known it.
For most of us, this is a very difficult concept to accept,
because of our resistance to relinquishing the predictability
of our past belief system, and to assuming responsibility
for our thoughts, feelings and reactions.
Since we always look within before looking out,
we can perceive attack outside us only when
we have first accepted attack as real within.

Gerald Jampolsky

I believe in a Grand Plan directed by the Source of All, but believe this is also guided by Free Will. So I guide my Life by looking for the signs, patterns and synchronicities, reflecting on how these might fit into the Grand Plan, and what my part in it all is. Don't get me wrong...there is no long analytical process involved in each living Moment, but when times get confusing or I am involved with confusing people, I go to greater lengths to reflect on what is the correct thing to do. What would the Universe want me to do?

For the first 7 years of be-ing with my husband, I trusted him without doubt. Truly. He is a sensitive, friendly and outgoing person, and likes to share his insights, and there were many women about, but I trusted that he, at the very minimum, respected me and our relationship enough to draw the line and maintain appropriate boundaries.

In the last year, this has changed. But even when I had my gut feelings and saw signs to the contrary in the past year, I depended on the trust built up over those years, and kept telling myself to have faith. At that time, I had so much faith that even though I thought he was being unfaithful and deceptive, I was willing to accept that if he would be happier with her, then I would let him go. I know this sounds foolish, but I believed that this was my Soulmate, and I have a deep Love for him. How could I hold him back if he was not happy with me? I think I was a bit more secure back then as well. If he needed to explore being with her to realize what he had with me, then so be it.

This past weekend was one of those defining Moments in a Life. I have been trying to get past negative feelings involved in remembering what my husband did. I have been trying to grow into a new future with us being together because this is something that he says he wants. He cannot define what he wants or articulate why he wants it, but thinks that our "getting on" with each other can be nothing but a good thing. I know he has been confused, so I am glad that he is here with me and healthy, and there was the glimpse of a future that was imagined before.

This past weekend, he shared insights that showed his true feelings. He had suggested couple counseling, and since we seem to have trouble communicating about feelings and the substance of our relationship, I embraced it. He was not agreeable to psychological counseling, but I discovered couples mediation, which helps to foster effective communication to get past the conflicts and develop the skills for the future. At first, he said he was agreeable. I made the contact, I spoke with the mediator, and the next step was for him to contact the mediator to ask about the process and answer any questions, so he would feel comfortable.

After weeks of him not calling the mediator, I finally asked and he said he does not want to go to mediation because we will "have to talk about the past." There was no other discussion about it. That was it. That was it in another way. I finally realized something that I have been avoiding in myself for some time now: He does not love me. I thought about the last two years and realized that if he had loved me, he could not have done the things he did. He would not have been so deceptive or been involved with other women. If he had cared for me a little, even if he did not love me, he could not have spoken so badly about me to the other woman. She had such clear details and things only he and I spoke of, so I know she is being truthful about the things he said about me to her. He would not have spoken so readily of divorce to her and not mentioned it to me, even with the opportunities to share the information. There are so many things that he would not have done. And even more telling is that if I had done even a small portion of what he did, he would be gone already...would have left if I had spent weeks with my soon-to-be partner, talking of divorce and returning soon to spend our lives together.

So what is there to do now? I must prepare my Self for the inevitable. I have not been paying attention to the signs, to the changes in him that spoke so loudly of his lack of caring, love and respect for me. I will not beg. I will not try to convince him of my worthiness. Nothing I do seems to be enough anyway. Nothing that I don't do (given the past circumstances) seems to give me enough credit. I must love my Self first, even he does not.

Our response to change is voluntary, and perhaps it is this free-will nature of the Universe that makes it so difficult to make choices within the circumstances and difficult situations we find ourselves. Today, I will consciously begin to go with my gut again. I certainly do not know how my changed thought system will manifest. I have tried to have faith and believe that a new reality is on the horizon, but there appears to be no substance to this assumption. What reality can there be in a marriage without mutual love? All I know at this point is that I cannot go on as I have. I need to start paying more attention to the signs right in front of my face.

Relationships

The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror,
reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors,
reflecting their beliefs. So relationship is one of the most
powerful tools for growth...if we look honestly at our
relationships, we can see so much about
how we have created them.

Shakti Gawain

Relationships...what a two-edged sword! Building, growing and maintaining a healthy relationship is not easy. This is only compounded when people outside the relationship are brought in, along with deception. The two primary people in the relationship are observing their own reflections on one side of the sword. But at times, this becomes a means of deflection in the relationship. Sometimes, that sword can cut to the Heart of things, and trim away the baggage that comes with, and garbage that builds up in any relationship. At other times, this sword is used to lash out at the other (sometimes for reasons unbeknownst to the thrasher) to hurt and destroy. Who understands self-sabotage? Most of the time, not the person doing it, and certainly not the person who is the object of that mostly unintentional destruction.

What we believe (and want to believe) is brought into the relationship, and some of us hope and pray that these beliefs will coincide with our significant other. Of course, there is a hierarchy of beliefs. I am certainly not as concerned about whether my partner likes the same music as I do, as whether he believes in a relationship with integrity and honesty.

But what happens when you find your thinking is wrong, that your partner does not believe in honesty or the integrity of the relationship, though they have mouthed the words? I guess this is where the opportunities for growth reside. How can a relationship grow with lies? So many things in that relationship depend on and flow from Honesty: trust, faith, respect, communication, authenticity. If there is not truth, where is the relationship?

And I guess this is where personal reflection enters. You have to decide what is more valuable to you, which beliefs are worth holding true to. Does the lack of honesty mean that the relationship should be severed? If you believe in the relationship, how can you know whether the deception will continue? No matter what your final decision--to stay or to go--how do you get past the scars left by the deception?

The Blogs of March

March has been a significant month in my Chronicle of Life's Loves.

It was in March 2000 that my SoulMate first told me that he loved me. This was after almost a year of talking to each other about a myriad of things, being true friends, sharing interests and insights with each other. Our connection deepened, we surfed upon a series of synchronous Moments, and much to both of our surprise, we married two years later. So you see this was not an impulsive decision for either of us.

I truly do not know why he married me, especially after all that has happened since, but for me, it was the hope of (finally) being in a relationship of mutual respect and deep friendship rooted in a Higher Love. It was the hope of being authentic, true to our Selves in each other and, as we used to say, letting each other simply "be." It was about be-ing with my true SoulMate and growing together into our old age.

But in March 2007, this man then informed me that he did not love me. (He did not say that he didn't love me any more, but that he married me because he thought he loved me and he didn't.) After that he proceeded to have affair(s), using the rationale that I was "leaving him on his own" and "being dismissive." Well, I don't know about you, but when I found out that the man I married did not love me, all I could do was stay out of his way so as to not irritate him... give him his space so he could get on with living his Life without my interference.

Despite his feelings, I still loved him and if he felt he could not be happy with me, then so be it. I did not wish pain upon him or curse at him, put him down, or call him names. I did not lie to him or cheat and sneak behind his back to develop love relationships with other people outside the marriage. I thought I had seen the signs: his disconnecting from the rest of the family, isolating himself, keeping different hours, not wanting to talk. I suspected him of lying, but could not know for sure. The funny thing (funny, sad...not funny, ha ha) was that he told others I did not care...even the woman he eventually left me for.

Well, he did not actually leave. He spent time with her, made plans to have a future with her, but then abruptly, for some inexplicable reason(s), he stayed. He said he realized how much he was throwing away, but never elaborated when pressed.

And now in March 2008, he says he "thinks he loves me," but in that there is great doubt (within me). For this proclamation occurred after I discovered he had lied about many important things, and I only know what was presented before me. I still don't know the extent of the lies, and I do not know if the lies persist. How can I?

I will acknowledge that some things have changed for the better in recent months. He is looking at things differently, and feels things are better between us. He has been less isolated and actually participates in the relationship more than he has in a very long time. If these are authentic changes in his perspective and helps him to see things differently, then this is a good thing no matter what is behind it.

But he still gets irritated with me and I frankly don't know why. It is almost as if I cannot do anything right in his eyes. It seems the only valid perception in this relationship is his. He does not want to talk about our relationship, or his relationship with the woman I know about. I now have found he has love relationships with at least four women. He said there is nothing there, but that is what he said about the other woman. He said he would not leave again, that he was here for us to build a future, but he has already spoken of buying an airplane ticket. Is this all a lie or is it Truth? I certainly do not know. Is this the manipulation I must now look forward to? If it is not manipulation, it is either true or not, and so I go around in mental circles, not knowing what our Reality (together or not) truly is. And there is where I am stuck, but perhaps it is too soon to tell...

The Nature of Truth

Say not, "I have found the truth,"
but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the Path to the Soul;"

say rather, "I have met the Soul
walking upon my Path."

For the Soul walks upon all paths.

The Soul walks not upon a line;

neither does it grow like a reed.

The Soul unfolds itself,

like a lotus of countless petals.

Kahlil Gibran

Human Beings or Spiritual Beings?

Nothing is so precious as what is
yourself in others and others in yourself.
You and the world you live in are but a grain of sand
upon the infinite shore of an infinite sea.
I AM the infinite sea, and all the worlds
are but grains of sand upon My Shore.

Kahlil Gibran
I thought I would share with others who happened to stumble here some of the Wisdom which I have acquired over time on this Journey called Life...My guiding philosophy gleaned from this cumulative Wisdom is: LIVE WITH THE HIGHEST PERSONAL INTEGRITY BECAUSE YOU MUST LIVE WITH YOURSELF...and it has served me well.

I believe we are all Children of the Law of One, and as such, have a choice and a responsibility to remain true to ourselves as Children of Divinity. This is a Path both simple and complex. Though we each may tread different paths along the Way, we are all on a Journey to the same Destination, which is not a place that can be found, but a state of Being that can be reached. Consequently, we should lend a helping hand to others at whatever station in Life, whatever stage of spiritual growth they are, for "the unity of the Soul of one man with God is the unity of the Soul of all men with God." Evolving into who we truly are is an on-going process, which takes many lifetimes, and we can always learn more about what it means to be Human and Spiritual Beings. Above all, NEVER underestimate the power of Love in all of its diverse forms, no matter how bleak and dark the Times may seem...

Only Love can bring individual beings to their perfect completion as individuals,
by uniting them one with another, because only Love takes possession of them and unites them by what lies deepest within them.
This is simply a fact of our everyday experience. For indeed at what moment do lovers come into the most complete possession of themselves if not when they say they are lost in one another? And is not Love all the time achieving--in couples, in teams, all around us--the magical, and reputedly contradictory feat
of personalizing through totalizing? And why should not what is daily achieved on a small scale be repeated one day on world-wide dimensions?
Humanity, the Spirit of the Earth, the synthesis of individuals and peoples,
the paradoxical conciliation of the Element
with the Whole, of the one with the many:
all these are regarded as utopian fantasies;
yet they are biologically necessary;
and if we would see them made Flesh
in the World, what more need we do
than imagine our power to love growing and broadening
until it can embrace the totality of Men and of the Earth?

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Also, a helpful guideline for discernment is remembering that "...the essential criterion of Truth... is its power of developing infinitely--not only without ever producing internal contradiction, but also in such a way as to form a positively constructed whole in which the parts support and complement one another ever more effectively." In the words of T.H. Huxley "...we stand on an islet in the midst of an ocean of inexplicability..." Yet with clear Vision and true Strength is Wisdom attained.

Many of us find wisdom along the Path in many forms--through a blog or other online post, books, poetry, film, in Nature, a child's smile, a song's lyrics, another's words spoken at just the right Moment. We may be blessed with being able to see the Truth threading its way through these Moments, and guiding us in mysterious and inexplicable ways. Learn to trust these bits of intuition and synchronicity.

Love After Love

The time will come when, with elation you

will greet yourself arriving at your own door,

in your own mirror and each will smile at

the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself,

to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs,

the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

On Being Human

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival:
A joy, a depression, a meanness;
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep the house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from Beyond.

Rumi

Seeking Peace of Mind in the Blogosphere

Plain and simple, this is catharsis...and actually quite zen when I think about it. I am making public private thoughts, which are not for public comment, but personal clarity. Let me get to the point: this blog is about relationships and the struggles that I am certain everyone can identify with. This will not be gossip. It will not be presented in the "let me bash my bf/gf," or "I wish they would burn in hell..." sort of way. I am not seeking public approval for my actions and feelings, as I have seen so many relationship blogs do.

Catharsis:
a) A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming
experience, that restores or refreshes the Spirit;
b) A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions,
described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.

I have already penned some content for this blog, but I thought that an introduction was appropriate. This is not an exercise in isolated narcissism, but a sharing of human feelings for other human be-ings. Yes, I am seeking clarity and peace of mind in an exercise of naked candor. In this stretching of the proverbial spiritual muscles, I am hoping to let go of some of my human foibles and imperfections, and grow in the process. I am hoping to restore and refresh my Spirit. This blog is mainly about being honest and then testing it. In this process, I hope to find direction.

However, we are human and, though we are individuals and make our own choices, humans go through very similar things. So I am also hoping to give something to those who may waiver between idealism and cynicism, who have been battered and beaten by the tragic drama that is Life, but still want to believe that there is something Higher for them to aspire to, to be a part of (not apart from). I doubt many will come across this blog amidst the ocean of babble, but if you are reading this now, believe you have found these words for a reason. Stop for a Moment and accept the synchronicity... marvel in it.

At this point in my Life, I could be bitter and see the World as half empty, but this just brings one's Spirit down, and makes us ugly inside and out. There is Beauty and Love and Harmony and Peace out there, but we have to have different eyes to see these things clearly. Eyes are the windows to the Soul, and this blog is about seeking a peace of Spirit as well, for unless we see the Beauty, Love, Harmony and Peace within, Paradise may surround us and we will be blind to it.

I do not pretend to have the Answers. If I did, I would not be sitting here blogging. I am hoping to find some answers and inner peace. If you, Reader, join me in this journey, I welcome the company along the Way.