Our Anniversary

It's our Anniversary! I wish that was a time to celebrate, but it only serves as a reminder of the events of the past year. One year ago was the time when he was full on into being deceptive and pretending to still be in the relationship, while he was maintaining almost daily contact with her. They were discussing how very unhappy he was, what terrible things I was doing to him, how he would divorce me, and how they would spend their time together as a couple. All the while, he picked fights with me and hurled accusations of what I was allegedly doing to him, fabricating absurd reasons for my allegedly deceptive motives for marrying him. There was, of course, no pattern of behavior or conversation (even in the heat of the Moment) to support any of this. In fact, history, actions, discussions (and Reality) demonstrated quite the opposite of what he was saying.

Of course, I did not know what was going on at the time. I suspected, but when I asked things like "Is there anything that I should be concerned about" or "Is there anything you want to tell me," he would say know "No, I'm just hanging out with his buddies." I found out later what was actually going on, and what he finally acknowledged confirmed many suspicions.

I acknowledge that things are somewhat different now. Or at least on the surface, it appears that way. However, since last year, I have been able to verify enough to know that he was being deeply deceptive over an extended period of time. I have no idea how deep this deception went and for how long he has been lying to me. At this point, it is moot, because I do not trust him. He lied so well and with such conviction, like he was practiced at doing it. His honesty was one of the qualities I most admired about him, and without that, I don't know what I think about him as a person.

I must give him credit for things having changed on some levels. Although he does not speak about her in depth, he has said that she would have been "suicide" for him; that she fabricated a good deal of what she has said about him; and that he has not contacted her. It does appear that she is off whoring about, but I am reminded that these statements are coming from a confirmed liar.

Will things get better? I truly don't know. What I do know is that he is emotionally disconnected from me, and no relationship can last without that deeper connection. I can forgive him many things and move on, if I knew that he was being honest now (but I have no such assurances). I could move on and leave all the events of the last year behind, if he could speak of it openly and without escalating (but he cannot). I could turn off the pain that flows inside if he acknowledged what happened and showed remorse (but he can only say "I am sorry for what happened" and nothing more). I could accept this as an opportunity to help us grow in our relationship, but there are others about which he will not speak, and says only the same things he said with her: they are "his buddies."

(ASIDE: I recently walked in on a casual gathering of my husband, one of his female "buddies" and another male friend. Hubbie was introducing his male friend to his female friend, but evidently there was some confusion. His male friend thought the female was his wife (hmm, what made him think that?). My husband was remarking to her that the other "thought you were my wife" and she remarked "Is that a bad thing?" I walked in just as she said that, and then my husband introduced me to her as "The Missus." Never has he ever introduced me to anyone as his wife. Now this may all be nothing, but it seemed strange that she considered being mistaken for his wife was not a "bad thing." I asked him about what she meant and he almost went into a rage immediately. Hmmm...)

I don't know how long I can last without an emotional connection to the man I married for Life, and whom I thought was my True Soulmate. I can accept our deep Friendship. This is very important in my Life as well. But how long can I continue without the things I married him for? I cannot depend on him for emotional support and caring; for honesty and respect; for open, thoughtful communication. Forget affection and comfort. He sees me crying, and his response is "What now?" He sees me writing a letter, and he says, "That's not for me, is it?" I wonder how he can have compassion for strangers and none for his Wife?

I cry in Silence, but soon I will have no more tears for Us, and they will stop. I shudder when I think of what will happen when I stop caring.