Epitaph to My Heart

Here lies a Heart in its last throes...
Once overflowing with Love and emotion
For one who was thought to be the One.

Too much time has passed without air,

Too many things have been left undone.

Too many heartbeats, too many tears

Gone, unnoticed, without nourishment,

No comfort, no care.

As the Life Blood slowly ebbed away.

The distance grew, as the cold winds blew,
And the poison flowed in from everywhere:
Loving gestures were twisted into ugliness;
Unconditional love, forged into malicious intention.
So many reasons were needed to justify the deception,
To make it appear that Love was not there,
To make him feel that I did not care,
When none could be found, they were fabricated,
And cloaked in denial.

All the while, the Heart bled
Until there was no more left to give.
For what is there left for which to live
When it was all one Big Lie?
Now Reality must be forged
Into a state of numbness;
The Heart must be closed so that
My eyes may be wide open,
To see the Future unclouded with pain,
Without the fog of unrequited love.
Instead of tears, bring on the cleansing rain
To wash away the tainted past.
Will he leave or somehow evolve and last?
Who knows what the Future will be.
I will have to wait...patiently for my Destiny.

What About the Other Woman?

You know who you are. You are the needy (wanty), greedy ones who look for emotional connection with those you know are unavailable because you feel this provides some "protection." (Only you know what really goes in that brain of yours as rationalization and denial set in and you begin to deal with your conflicted emotions.) But in a zen way, the unattainable are the very ones you desire most, and you do not accept this until you are in too deeply. (This opinion does not apply to those who are deceived from the beginning into thinking that the object of their desire is available. No, this post pertains to those who begin, continue and persist with those they know are married, and are not separated or actively in the process of divorce.)

In my situation, I have had opportunities to communicate with the other woman. I think I have come to know her pretty well from these interactions, her freely dribbling blogs, and what others and my husband have said about her. All these things together have been consistent, if nothing else. Who she is as a person translates into a predictable woman of low integrity and high self-denial. She has low self-esteem, is very immature, and manipulates those around her for sympathy by being ill or tired or distraught all the time. She feigned pregnancy and publicly threatened to commit suicide when my husband ignored her. She appeals more to strangers because they simply do not know the real her. She claims to "be real," but seems to find more comfort in fabricating a "reality" that is appealing to others, while neglecting her own internal reality--unhealthy, emotionally dysfunctional, manipulative, and all the while saying she is such a good person, and bemoaning all the terrible things that happen to her.

This same self-professed "honest" person insists she is the victim. She acknowledges that she knew that my husband was married. She refuses to accept the reality that she is a person that my husband could not be with, because she is the sum total of so many things he intensely dislikes in other women. I guess in the manner of committing emotional suicide, it was predictable that he would be with such a person. Of course, he is not blameless in this affair, but at any point, she could have said no.

Even now, many months after it is over, she is still talking to other people about him as if they will be together some day. She is supposedly in a committed relationship now, but never seems to speak publicly of the other.

For people like this, they want sympathy, yet get angry, feel hurt and victimized when another does the exact same thing to them. They feel that what another does is justification for deceit and betrayal and the violation of sacred bonds. She is not alone. How many people feel that if someone does X to them, that means they can do Y back. (I don't give me that crap about "An eye for an eye.") Of course, being hurt and in pain because of deception and betrayal cause feelings of anger and revenge to enter into your Mind. But following through on these malicious thoughts is doubly wrong as what that person did to you.

For those of you who have been though what I have been through and do not retaliate, how do you reconcile the feelings of betrayal and other woman? It is tempting to do the same thing. You learn the bitter lessons that this experience brings and get on with your Life. But that is easier said than done...

Acceptance

When you change the way you think about things,

The things you think about change.

Wayne Dyer

Hello, World! It has been awhile..been living, doing, thinking, and growing--trying to put into practice some of the ways of being I have shared here. It is getting...better, easier to go longer periods without feeling the deep pain of what has been. Can I find forgiveness? Yes. But forgetting is just not to be found. Forgetting would mean embracing a false amnesia of who my husband really is. It would be a denial of what each of us actually thought and (separately) felt about our so-called marriage. That is the area of clarity that all of these past events has brought. There was a fog enveloping our marriage from the beginning, and the knowledge of Truth has brought things into a sharp focus. Like finding out that the world is really round, after thinking it was flat, there is no going back. But there can be acceptance, and I can find that state as a middle road to the Future.

I accept that my vision of a healthy marriage is not wrong. I am not idealistic about it. A marriage is when two people feel they are stronger, happier, better together, than separate. The two connect uniquely in Love--mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They do not think exactly alike, but complement each other's thinking. They do not seek to change each other, but grow with each other in the process of compromise. They do not live perfectly, but follow the Path toward Perfection. There will be conflicts and bad days, but this is also how their relationship will grow and be ever renewed as they grow old together.

I accept that my husband does not seek this sort of union with me. I thought we were in agreement regarding the relationship we each desired and, for me, being married to this man in this manner was my vow, and my opportunity to finally live it. I believe that he wants similar things as I want in a relationship, but I do not provide these things in the ways that connect deeply within him. We connect mentally, but now I realize that a deeper connection on the other levels is not there--there is minimal physical affection or emotional comfort, mutual spiritual reflection or communication. So what else is left that then defines this as a marriage?

If I could not provide what he needs, and he was so unhappy with me that he would live his life with another, I will not hold him. I will not wait for him to love me, or try any longer to convince him of my love. I love him too much for that. I love my Self more than that.

I accept that what has happened now defines our Future. This will happen again. Maybe not for a while and probably not with her, but it will happen again. I certainly don't believe she was the first--just the first that he got caught with. There is no blame being placed here. Just the absence of trust. The last year has shown me that my husband is not the person I thought I married. I accept I was wrong, but will not beat myself up over it. I also accept that this is the man I loved like no other, and that he is human.

I accept that we can be friends for a time. But I also recognize and accept that I have needs that I have adjusted, compromised, rationalized away and minimized for too too long because I thought his pain and needs were greater than mine. I am emotionally and spiritually fatigued. I am hungry for emotional comfort that will never come. I have no more to give. To remain emotionally present in this relationship is like being thirsty and choosing to remain in the desert.

I accept that everything happens for a reason. It will just take time to find the reason. Perhaps it is better that I find out these things about him sooner than later. In acceptance, I save my Self and I can at least prepare for what may come.