Acceptance

When you change the way you think about things,

The things you think about change.

Wayne Dyer

Hello, World! It has been awhile..been living, doing, thinking, and growing--trying to put into practice some of the ways of being I have shared here. It is getting...better, easier to go longer periods without feeling the deep pain of what has been. Can I find forgiveness? Yes. But forgetting is just not to be found. Forgetting would mean embracing a false amnesia of who my husband really is. It would be a denial of what each of us actually thought and (separately) felt about our so-called marriage. That is the area of clarity that all of these past events has brought. There was a fog enveloping our marriage from the beginning, and the knowledge of Truth has brought things into a sharp focus. Like finding out that the world is really round, after thinking it was flat, there is no going back. But there can be acceptance, and I can find that state as a middle road to the Future.

I accept that my vision of a healthy marriage is not wrong. I am not idealistic about it. A marriage is when two people feel they are stronger, happier, better together, than separate. The two connect uniquely in Love--mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They do not think exactly alike, but complement each other's thinking. They do not seek to change each other, but grow with each other in the process of compromise. They do not live perfectly, but follow the Path toward Perfection. There will be conflicts and bad days, but this is also how their relationship will grow and be ever renewed as they grow old together.

I accept that my husband does not seek this sort of union with me. I thought we were in agreement regarding the relationship we each desired and, for me, being married to this man in this manner was my vow, and my opportunity to finally live it. I believe that he wants similar things as I want in a relationship, but I do not provide these things in the ways that connect deeply within him. We connect mentally, but now I realize that a deeper connection on the other levels is not there--there is minimal physical affection or emotional comfort, mutual spiritual reflection or communication. So what else is left that then defines this as a marriage?

If I could not provide what he needs, and he was so unhappy with me that he would live his life with another, I will not hold him. I will not wait for him to love me, or try any longer to convince him of my love. I love him too much for that. I love my Self more than that.

I accept that what has happened now defines our Future. This will happen again. Maybe not for a while and probably not with her, but it will happen again. I certainly don't believe she was the first--just the first that he got caught with. There is no blame being placed here. Just the absence of trust. The last year has shown me that my husband is not the person I thought I married. I accept I was wrong, but will not beat myself up over it. I also accept that this is the man I loved like no other, and that he is human.

I accept that we can be friends for a time. But I also recognize and accept that I have needs that I have adjusted, compromised, rationalized away and minimized for too too long because I thought his pain and needs were greater than mine. I am emotionally and spiritually fatigued. I am hungry for emotional comfort that will never come. I have no more to give. To remain emotionally present in this relationship is like being thirsty and choosing to remain in the desert.

I accept that everything happens for a reason. It will just take time to find the reason. Perhaps it is better that I find out these things about him sooner than later. In acceptance, I save my Self and I can at least prepare for what may come.