About a month ago, I synchronously came upon an passage in a book I was reading regarding "don't know mind." The words resonated within and practicing this concept intrigued me, as I have been in a state of not knowing for some time. (I am certain that the state of confusion I had felt at times in recent months was not what that practice was all about :) "Being present" is helpful in challenging times, but the concept of "don't know" mind seemed to take mindfulness to another level.
If you don't understand, or if you have an answer but don't know how to respond, only keep a "don't know" mind. Don't hold the problem in your thinking mind. Keeping a "don't know" mind means cutting off all thinking. Cutting off all discursive thoughts takes us to the wellspring of our true nature, and brings us to the present Moment. What are you doing just now?
Your mind is like the sea. When the wind comes, there are very big waves. When the wind dies down, the waves become smaller and smaller, until finally the wind disappears altogether and the sea is like a clear mirror. Then mountains, trees and all things are reflected on the surface of the sea. There are many thought-waves in your mind. But if you continue to practice "don't know" mind, this thinking will become gradually smaller, until finally your mind will always be clear. When the mind becomes clear, it is like a mirror: red comes and the mirror is red; yellow comes and the mirror is yellow; a mountain comes and the mirror is a mountain. Your mind is the mountain; the mountain is your mind. They are not two. So it is very important not to be attached either to thinking or to not thinking. You mustn't be upset by anything that goes on in your mind. Only don't worry and keep don't know mind. So it all depends on how you are keeping your mind just now, at this very moment! This just-now mind continues and becomes your life, as one point continues and becomes a straight line. So I ask you: What are you? You don't know; there is only "I don't know." (Zen Master Seung Sahn)
Since then, I have tried very hard to put this philosophy into action, and I am here to tell you that I have a long way to go. I can be Present, and acknowledge and relax into a state of "not knowing." This does help for a short time, and I have tried to apply this to the situation with my husband.
To his credit, it appears that he has had no further contact with the other woman, but he does not want to work through what happened. No counseling or mediation. No further conversations about it. His solution is pretending it never was.
So I don't know how things will be, but there are some things that I do know: He is with me, but it is not because he loves me. I know this because there is little talk of emotions, or affection, or words of endearment. I believe now that she was not the first (only the first one I found out about), that there will be others (there may already be, and he might just be more careful), and that he will eventually leave, finding some way to blame me for it. So I must prepare myself emotionally for the inevitable. Most of all, I don't want "don't know" to turn into "don't care."
I wish things were very different. I wish that he openly felt more for me, that he wanted to convince me that she did not matter and I did. That he had gotten over her to the degree that he could speak about her openly and matter-of-factly. That he couldn't bear the thought of losing me. Isn't this how a husband and wife should be together? Evidently, this is just my one-sided fantasy of how things could be.
We are good friends in other areas of our life, and perhaps that is more important than love? We work well together, share many things in common, have intelligent conversations, help each other out, and I do believe he is a good person inside, even if he is a dishonest person. However, I am becoming less willing to settle for the very minimal emotional attention he provides, and the lies have done their damage.
Let me qualify...truly it is not the infidelity and lies that have damaged the relationship, for I could come to understand (and forgive) why he felt deception was necessary at the time. It is the unwillingness to acknowledge the lies or feel remorse for them. He will not talk about what the truth is or how he feels. He does not acknowledge how he would feel if I had done something similar. And on the flip side, he does not give me credit for the strength it has taken for me to accept what happened and try to move on. He feels that saying "I am sorry this happened" once is all the apology that is needed to get on with our life. And all of this simply confirms he has little investment in our future together.
So I guess seeking peace is evolving into actively creating peace within, but how will this all turn out? I just don't know...
Look at this face. I know the years are showing.
Look at this life. I still don't know where it's going.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.
Look at these eyes--they never've seen what mattered.
Look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.
So many questions still left unanswered;
So much I've never broken through.
And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly
The only truth I've ever known is me and you.
Look at this man, so blessed with inspiration.
Look at this soul, still searching for salvation.
I don't know much, but I know I love you
And that may be all I need to know.
