The Darkness Around Us is Deep

A thick fog is enveloping us, choking the thin atmosphere that exists around us. No clarifying ray of Hope can be seen on the Horizon. There will be no more discussion of why or how we got Here. But the winding, deceiving ways to the place that is Now cannot leave my head. All I hear are the intimate conversations, pet names, and whispered affections that took place while I was sitting in the room. The secret codes, Twitterings, webcam visits, text messages, phone calls, and long conversations into the wee hours of the morning long after I had gone to sleep. "You have nothing to be concerned about. I'm just talking to my buddy."

Some of those conversations were about the uncaring bitch he lived with. I was just the person living in the same house who felt nothing and meant nothing, so could easily be discarded and disrespected. Divorce and their Future together was discussed before he spent His Time with her. All of this while I helped him get ready for "his vacation" and prepared to drive him to and from the airport. How sad that it was all turned back on me. He saw nothing Good in what I did. Ever? He saw nothing wrong in treating me as if I was the perpetrator of the Crimes to our relationship. "She means nothing to me. She is just a friend."

When he was with her, I did not exist. No calls, no birthday wishes, no emails...a curt assurance that he was safe such a long way from Home came only after several tries. Then, he could not say what was the Truth. Even now he cannot say the Truth, that he loved her, made her promises about their future, bought her things, cried with her in his arms. She thought she was pregnant at one point. There were shared experiences and deep intimacies that go beyond sex, that go beyond me. "But I never said I loved her."

He is with me now, but for what? I truly do not know. He does not touch me with tenderness, or look at me with a look of Love in his eyes. He does not see the Beauty in me, in the Us that was for a brief instant. How does respect simply appear from the place within where there was none to begin?

My husband, how would you feel if I did the same things to you? "Go for it." The Darkness around us is deep...