Paying Attention

A changed thought system can reverse
cause-and-effect as we have known it.
For most of us, this is a very difficult concept to accept,
because of our resistance to relinquishing the predictability
of our past belief system, and to assuming responsibility
for our thoughts, feelings and reactions.
Since we always look within before looking out,
we can perceive attack outside us only when
we have first accepted attack as real within.

Gerald Jampolsky

I believe in a Grand Plan directed by the Source of All, but believe this is also guided by Free Will. So I guide my Life by looking for the signs, patterns and synchronicities, reflecting on how these might fit into the Grand Plan, and what my part in it all is. Don't get me wrong...there is no long analytical process involved in each living Moment, but when times get confusing or I am involved with confusing people, I go to greater lengths to reflect on what is the correct thing to do. What would the Universe want me to do?

For the first 7 years of be-ing with my husband, I trusted him without doubt. Truly. He is a sensitive, friendly and outgoing person, and likes to share his insights, and there were many women about, but I trusted that he, at the very minimum, respected me and our relationship enough to draw the line and maintain appropriate boundaries.

In the last year, this has changed. But even when I had my gut feelings and saw signs to the contrary in the past year, I depended on the trust built up over those years, and kept telling myself to have faith. At that time, I had so much faith that even though I thought he was being unfaithful and deceptive, I was willing to accept that if he would be happier with her, then I would let him go. I know this sounds foolish, but I believed that this was my Soulmate, and I have a deep Love for him. How could I hold him back if he was not happy with me? I think I was a bit more secure back then as well. If he needed to explore being with her to realize what he had with me, then so be it.

This past weekend was one of those defining Moments in a Life. I have been trying to get past negative feelings involved in remembering what my husband did. I have been trying to grow into a new future with us being together because this is something that he says he wants. He cannot define what he wants or articulate why he wants it, but thinks that our "getting on" with each other can be nothing but a good thing. I know he has been confused, so I am glad that he is here with me and healthy, and there was the glimpse of a future that was imagined before.

This past weekend, he shared insights that showed his true feelings. He had suggested couple counseling, and since we seem to have trouble communicating about feelings and the substance of our relationship, I embraced it. He was not agreeable to psychological counseling, but I discovered couples mediation, which helps to foster effective communication to get past the conflicts and develop the skills for the future. At first, he said he was agreeable. I made the contact, I spoke with the mediator, and the next step was for him to contact the mediator to ask about the process and answer any questions, so he would feel comfortable.

After weeks of him not calling the mediator, I finally asked and he said he does not want to go to mediation because we will "have to talk about the past." There was no other discussion about it. That was it. That was it in another way. I finally realized something that I have been avoiding in myself for some time now: He does not love me. I thought about the last two years and realized that if he had loved me, he could not have done the things he did. He would not have been so deceptive or been involved with other women. If he had cared for me a little, even if he did not love me, he could not have spoken so badly about me to the other woman. She had such clear details and things only he and I spoke of, so I know she is being truthful about the things he said about me to her. He would not have spoken so readily of divorce to her and not mentioned it to me, even with the opportunities to share the information. There are so many things that he would not have done. And even more telling is that if I had done even a small portion of what he did, he would be gone already...would have left if I had spent weeks with my soon-to-be partner, talking of divorce and returning soon to spend our lives together.

So what is there to do now? I must prepare my Self for the inevitable. I have not been paying attention to the signs, to the changes in him that spoke so loudly of his lack of caring, love and respect for me. I will not beg. I will not try to convince him of my worthiness. Nothing I do seems to be enough anyway. Nothing that I don't do (given the past circumstances) seems to give me enough credit. I must love my Self first, even he does not.

Our response to change is voluntary, and perhaps it is this free-will nature of the Universe that makes it so difficult to make choices within the circumstances and difficult situations we find ourselves. Today, I will consciously begin to go with my gut again. I certainly do not know how my changed thought system will manifest. I have tried to have faith and believe that a new reality is on the horizon, but there appears to be no substance to this assumption. What reality can there be in a marriage without mutual love? All I know at this point is that I cannot go on as I have. I need to start paying more attention to the signs right in front of my face.