Letter to My Spouse

I wish that it was such between us that I could say these things to you face to face, that you were in a place within your Self that you could listen and hear what I have been trying to communicate for so long. Alas, I am relegated to a space in a place outside Us to say what I must. For I must let go of the things you wish me to forget. The letting go is not so I can pretend they never happened (as you are trying to do), but to get on with my Life.

I will listen to your Message, perhaps at the cost of Us, but not at the expense of Me. For too long, I have loved you unconditionally, despite the unbalanced love, imagined slights, hurtfulness, lies and betrayal. For too long, I thought that you were so wounded Inside that you needed a stronger Love to surpass your own Inner Pain. I believed that you needed a patient understanding from someone who truly cared about you so you could get beyond the things that held you back from Being who you are.

All the while, you withdrew more and more, and accused me of leaving you alone, saying this is why you went to others. You rejected the myriad suggestions for us to be together, and stood by passively saying we did nothing. You provided no alternatives, and said I was the cause of your boredom. You entered into an intimate relationship with another woman (was she the only one?), making plans for your Future together, and you did things that you would never accept from me. You perceive attacks in reconstructive comments, and I am supposedly the one with a guilty conscience. When there was nothing worse you could cite, you fabricated an evil, malicious version of me to blame for what you were doing. Somehow I became the default reason while all your deceptions were justified, and why there is no need for you to apologize for the betrayal and violation of our Relationship.

Despite all this, what you have done in the last year is not good enough reason for me to be mistrustful and cautious and confused about you and us. I could forgive you for the deception and even the intimacies with her, but I am tired of apologizing for trite things you will never forgive, that you have inflated to huge proportions to balance your indiscretions. I am tired of persisting in a relationship without a sincere Love or tenderness. I must cease the futile attempts (and yes, I see now just how futile they have been) to prove something that you will never believe no matter what is presented before you or demonstrated.

The unbalance of our Relationship has tipped until the weight of it is too much to bear. Now I must balance who I am to love more: you or me. Haven't we learned that making false assumptions will destroy our relationship? Yet you hold on to and manipulate your false assumptions to justify your actions. You say things are different now, but you will not let go. You will not go to counseling, despite your suggesting it, because "we will speak of the Past." You say you do not want to be with her, but not why you want to be with me, so you feel that saying nothing should be interpreted as everything being fine. There is a simple answer, but you cannot speak it, because you do not feel it, and this I must learn to accept. I do love you still, but will not try to make you love me when you don't. We can try to look to the future, but only the Future will tell.