The Blogs of March

March has been a significant month in my Chronicle of Life's Loves.

It was in March 2000 that my SoulMate first told me that he loved me. This was after almost a year of talking to each other about a myriad of things, being true friends, sharing interests and insights with each other. Our connection deepened, we surfed upon a series of synchronous Moments, and much to both of our surprise, we married two years later. So you see this was not an impulsive decision for either of us.

I truly do not know why he married me, especially after all that has happened since, but for me, it was the hope of (finally) being in a relationship of mutual respect and deep friendship rooted in a Higher Love. It was the hope of being authentic, true to our Selves in each other and, as we used to say, letting each other simply "be." It was about be-ing with my true SoulMate and growing together into our old age.

But in March 2007, this man then informed me that he did not love me. (He did not say that he didn't love me any more, but that he married me because he thought he loved me and he didn't.) After that he proceeded to have affair(s), using the rationale that I was "leaving him on his own" and "being dismissive." Well, I don't know about you, but when I found out that the man I married did not love me, all I could do was stay out of his way so as to not irritate him... give him his space so he could get on with living his Life without my interference.

Despite his feelings, I still loved him and if he felt he could not be happy with me, then so be it. I did not wish pain upon him or curse at him, put him down, or call him names. I did not lie to him or cheat and sneak behind his back to develop love relationships with other people outside the marriage. I thought I had seen the signs: his disconnecting from the rest of the family, isolating himself, keeping different hours, not wanting to talk. I suspected him of lying, but could not know for sure. The funny thing (funny, sad...not funny, ha ha) was that he told others I did not care...even the woman he eventually left me for.

Well, he did not actually leave. He spent time with her, made plans to have a future with her, but then abruptly, for some inexplicable reason(s), he stayed. He said he realized how much he was throwing away, but never elaborated when pressed.

And now in March 2008, he says he "thinks he loves me," but in that there is great doubt (within me). For this proclamation occurred after I discovered he had lied about many important things, and I only know what was presented before me. I still don't know the extent of the lies, and I do not know if the lies persist. How can I?

I will acknowledge that some things have changed for the better in recent months. He is looking at things differently, and feels things are better between us. He has been less isolated and actually participates in the relationship more than he has in a very long time. If these are authentic changes in his perspective and helps him to see things differently, then this is a good thing no matter what is behind it.

But he still gets irritated with me and I frankly don't know why. It is almost as if I cannot do anything right in his eyes. It seems the only valid perception in this relationship is his. He does not want to talk about our relationship, or his relationship with the woman I know about. I now have found he has love relationships with at least four women. He said there is nothing there, but that is what he said about the other woman. He said he would not leave again, that he was here for us to build a future, but he has already spoken of buying an airplane ticket. Is this all a lie or is it Truth? I certainly do not know. Is this the manipulation I must now look forward to? If it is not manipulation, it is either true or not, and so I go around in mental circles, not knowing what our Reality (together or not) truly is. And there is where I am stuck, but perhaps it is too soon to tell...