Moving On...Inside

I believe we are all here for a Higher Purpose...that we are placed on this Planet as Spiritual Beings whose reason for being is to evolve both as individuals and as a collective. This requires a personal perspective that does not become so narrow that it excludes others. At the same time, it also requires a group perspective that honors individuality and personal creativity. That said, within this context, committed relationships take on a very different purpose, because they provide the opportunities for both individual and collective development.

I realize that most people in committed relationships (i.e., long-term monogamy or marriage) do not see Life in this way, let alone their relationships. This blog seeks to share some insights with those in committed relationships--to those who feel they are with their Soulmate, and want to remain together for as long as possible in authentic ways. In other words, to grow as individuals, together, toward their Higher Selves and Higher Purpose.

When we feel we have found that One True Soulmate, it is truly awesome and wondrous. To sincerely feel that something Larger has brought you together is unique. If we live long enough with that person to only find that you were wrong about them, that can be devastating. It may shake the very foundations of your beliefs, and not just your faith in relationships or your judgment. (It is important to not let this experience deter you from seeking further. Every experience provides wisdom that can be used in other experiences. Continuing self-doubt only prevents you from developing further and keeps you down.)

We each must find those thoughts and deeds and prayers that keep us moving along to our Higher Purpose. In hindsight, we hopefully see things so much more clearly, but I am here to offer to those interested in staying with their Soulmate, to share what I have learned from my experiences so that you may go into your Future together with eyes (and Heart) wide open, with a clarity of Vision.

First and foremost, and above all other advice (because it impacts so many other things), be honest with your Mate. A true relationship can limp back from many infractions and imperfections if there is a foundation of honesty. Patterns of deception that go on with one believing in the other (despite the signs), and then are found to be lies over a period of time only destroy what faith and trust existed in the relationship. This is difficult to regain or rebuild, especially if the lies were compounded by actual confirmation of the deception.

Now here comes the next most important thing: learn to communicate with each other on deeper levels and about all aspects of the relationship. I say "learn" because most of us really don't know how to effectively communicate with our Selves, let alone with others. Add large doses of emotional content into that mix and communication may break down completely. I know that some people have difficulty talking about their emotional state with any one, but if you cannot speak openly with your partner about the foundation of your relationship, then I would say the relationship is in grave trouble.

If you have honesty and communication, you already have the next important ingredient for a healthy relationship: respect. I say this because you have to respect your partner to be honest with them, and to be able to be vulnerable when communicating openly about emotions.

There it is: Honesty, Communication, Respect. Everything else stems from and depends on these qualities in a relationship. Sounds simple enough, but it seems these are difficult things to come by. When these do not exist in a relationship, where are these two people? Where is the relationship? Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to these questions. I am at that Place now and do not know what to do, but I guess this is where spiritual foundations come into play.

When there is the lack of honesty, there can be no trust. When there is no trust, every behavior becomes suspect. When you acknowledges the deception, but cannot discuss the reasons for it, there is no moving on. Is it just more deception?

I cannot live that way, so I move on inside, trying to disconnect and be happy outside. But how does one sever the emotional bonds with the Love of One's Life? How does one get over the reasons for the deceptions? Or what each lie and outside relationship meant in terms of where you were in the equation? It is tempting to fight fire with fire, but the spiritual imperative kicks in and you are faced with even more frustrating choices and decisions...if you wish to remain true to your Self.

Anniversary Gift to my Spouse

Anniversaries mark significant events in our lives. Some are cause for celebration and happiness, and others remind us of tragedy that is difficult to forget. This anniversary arrives with a bit of both…

We are together this year to honor another year as Husband and Wife. This is a special anniversary simply because you are still here.

On the other hand, this is the anniversary of your time away, and a reminder of where you were (and probably still are) inside yourself. You were not with me, and so unhappy because of me that you compromised principles and habits to flee in an attempted escape to who knows where. Last year could have been the last year of our marriage.

Now, almost a year has past. This is a time to accept that many things have not changed—for both of us. Now more than ever, we both need clarity that we cannot give to each other together, so it is time to seek that clarity within ourselves. I acknowledge my too deep feelings for you, but realize these are withering fruits on a vine. You do not care for me as a husband for his wife, and will never truly be there for me, so I freely give you your freedom. You no longer have to pretend, or feel the need to deceive, or feign amnesia so you do not have to talk about what was and is. This is the freedom to “be.” Only you can choose what that freedom means to you.

So this anniversary is an end and a beginning…I need to end the pain of acknowledging who you are and realizing who you are not. You need this so you can get on with being who you were meant to be…without guilt or self-deception.

I knew I would have to let go of the things that happened, but feared that in the letting go, bits of you would also fall away, and I would be left with only numbness. Now I must take that risk, because I must accept the way things are. I also acknowledge that we have been the deepest of friends and truly value that above all. This is where My Beginning will be.

We both need to gather the true Essence of our Selves, and grow toward our Highest Self and Purpose, to decide what we want to do with our lives, even if the probability is that this Life will not include each other. I pray that Divine Intervention will ensure that we will be together for many more anniversaries.

With too much love and too many imperfections,
Your Wife

Our Anniversary

It's our Anniversary! I wish that was a time to celebrate, but it only serves as a reminder of the events of the past year. One year ago was the time when he was full on into being deceptive and pretending to still be in the relationship, while he was maintaining almost daily contact with her. They were discussing how very unhappy he was, what terrible things I was doing to him, how he would divorce me, and how they would spend their time together as a couple. All the while, he picked fights with me and hurled accusations of what I was allegedly doing to him, fabricating absurd reasons for my allegedly deceptive motives for marrying him. There was, of course, no pattern of behavior or conversation (even in the heat of the Moment) to support any of this. In fact, history, actions, discussions (and Reality) demonstrated quite the opposite of what he was saying.

Of course, I did not know what was going on at the time. I suspected, but when I asked things like "Is there anything that I should be concerned about" or "Is there anything you want to tell me," he would say know "No, I'm just hanging out with his buddies." I found out later what was actually going on, and what he finally acknowledged confirmed many suspicions.

I acknowledge that things are somewhat different now. Or at least on the surface, it appears that way. However, since last year, I have been able to verify enough to know that he was being deeply deceptive over an extended period of time. I have no idea how deep this deception went and for how long he has been lying to me. At this point, it is moot, because I do not trust him. He lied so well and with such conviction, like he was practiced at doing it. His honesty was one of the qualities I most admired about him, and without that, I don't know what I think about him as a person.

I must give him credit for things having changed on some levels. Although he does not speak about her in depth, he has said that she would have been "suicide" for him; that she fabricated a good deal of what she has said about him; and that he has not contacted her. It does appear that she is off whoring about, but I am reminded that these statements are coming from a confirmed liar.

Will things get better? I truly don't know. What I do know is that he is emotionally disconnected from me, and no relationship can last without that deeper connection. I can forgive him many things and move on, if I knew that he was being honest now (but I have no such assurances). I could move on and leave all the events of the last year behind, if he could speak of it openly and without escalating (but he cannot). I could turn off the pain that flows inside if he acknowledged what happened and showed remorse (but he can only say "I am sorry for what happened" and nothing more). I could accept this as an opportunity to help us grow in our relationship, but there are others about which he will not speak, and says only the same things he said with her: they are "his buddies."

(ASIDE: I recently walked in on a casual gathering of my husband, one of his female "buddies" and another male friend. Hubbie was introducing his male friend to his female friend, but evidently there was some confusion. His male friend thought the female was his wife (hmm, what made him think that?). My husband was remarking to her that the other "thought you were my wife" and she remarked "Is that a bad thing?" I walked in just as she said that, and then my husband introduced me to her as "The Missus." Never has he ever introduced me to anyone as his wife. Now this may all be nothing, but it seemed strange that she considered being mistaken for his wife was not a "bad thing." I asked him about what she meant and he almost went into a rage immediately. Hmmm...)

I don't know how long I can last without an emotional connection to the man I married for Life, and whom I thought was my True Soulmate. I can accept our deep Friendship. This is very important in my Life as well. But how long can I continue without the things I married him for? I cannot depend on him for emotional support and caring; for honesty and respect; for open, thoughtful communication. Forget affection and comfort. He sees me crying, and his response is "What now?" He sees me writing a letter, and he says, "That's not for me, is it?" I wonder how he can have compassion for strangers and none for his Wife?

I cry in Silence, but soon I will have no more tears for Us, and they will stop. I shudder when I think of what will happen when I stop caring.

Epitaph to My Heart

Here lies a Heart in its last throes...
Once overflowing with Love and emotion
For one who was thought to be the One.

Too much time has passed without air,

Too many things have been left undone.

Too many heartbeats, too many tears

Gone, unnoticed, without nourishment,

No comfort, no care.

As the Life Blood slowly ebbed away.

The distance grew, as the cold winds blew,
And the poison flowed in from everywhere:
Loving gestures were twisted into ugliness;
Unconditional love, forged into malicious intention.
So many reasons were needed to justify the deception,
To make it appear that Love was not there,
To make him feel that I did not care,
When none could be found, they were fabricated,
And cloaked in denial.

All the while, the Heart bled
Until there was no more left to give.
For what is there left for which to live
When it was all one Big Lie?
Now Reality must be forged
Into a state of numbness;
The Heart must be closed so that
My eyes may be wide open,
To see the Future unclouded with pain,
Without the fog of unrequited love.
Instead of tears, bring on the cleansing rain
To wash away the tainted past.
Will he leave or somehow evolve and last?
Who knows what the Future will be.
I will have to wait...patiently for my Destiny.

What About the Other Woman?

You know who you are. You are the needy (wanty), greedy ones who look for emotional connection with those you know are unavailable because you feel this provides some "protection." (Only you know what really goes in that brain of yours as rationalization and denial set in and you begin to deal with your conflicted emotions.) But in a zen way, the unattainable are the very ones you desire most, and you do not accept this until you are in too deeply. (This opinion does not apply to those who are deceived from the beginning into thinking that the object of their desire is available. No, this post pertains to those who begin, continue and persist with those they know are married, and are not separated or actively in the process of divorce.)

In my situation, I have had opportunities to communicate with the other woman. I think I have come to know her pretty well from these interactions, her freely dribbling blogs, and what others and my husband have said about her. All these things together have been consistent, if nothing else. Who she is as a person translates into a predictable woman of low integrity and high self-denial. She has low self-esteem, is very immature, and manipulates those around her for sympathy by being ill or tired or distraught all the time. She feigned pregnancy and publicly threatened to commit suicide when my husband ignored her. She appeals more to strangers because they simply do not know the real her. She claims to "be real," but seems to find more comfort in fabricating a "reality" that is appealing to others, while neglecting her own internal reality--unhealthy, emotionally dysfunctional, manipulative, and all the while saying she is such a good person, and bemoaning all the terrible things that happen to her.

This same self-professed "honest" person insists she is the victim. She acknowledges that she knew that my husband was married. She refuses to accept the reality that she is a person that my husband could not be with, because she is the sum total of so many things he intensely dislikes in other women. I guess in the manner of committing emotional suicide, it was predictable that he would be with such a person. Of course, he is not blameless in this affair, but at any point, she could have said no.

Even now, many months after it is over, she is still talking to other people about him as if they will be together some day. She is supposedly in a committed relationship now, but never seems to speak publicly of the other.

For people like this, they want sympathy, yet get angry, feel hurt and victimized when another does the exact same thing to them. They feel that what another does is justification for deceit and betrayal and the violation of sacred bonds. She is not alone. How many people feel that if someone does X to them, that means they can do Y back. (I don't give me that crap about "An eye for an eye.") Of course, being hurt and in pain because of deception and betrayal cause feelings of anger and revenge to enter into your Mind. But following through on these malicious thoughts is doubly wrong as what that person did to you.

For those of you who have been though what I have been through and do not retaliate, how do you reconcile the feelings of betrayal and other woman? It is tempting to do the same thing. You learn the bitter lessons that this experience brings and get on with your Life. But that is easier said than done...

Acceptance

When you change the way you think about things,

The things you think about change.

Wayne Dyer

Hello, World! It has been awhile..been living, doing, thinking, and growing--trying to put into practice some of the ways of being I have shared here. It is getting...better, easier to go longer periods without feeling the deep pain of what has been. Can I find forgiveness? Yes. But forgetting is just not to be found. Forgetting would mean embracing a false amnesia of who my husband really is. It would be a denial of what each of us actually thought and (separately) felt about our so-called marriage. That is the area of clarity that all of these past events has brought. There was a fog enveloping our marriage from the beginning, and the knowledge of Truth has brought things into a sharp focus. Like finding out that the world is really round, after thinking it was flat, there is no going back. But there can be acceptance, and I can find that state as a middle road to the Future.

I accept that my vision of a healthy marriage is not wrong. I am not idealistic about it. A marriage is when two people feel they are stronger, happier, better together, than separate. The two connect uniquely in Love--mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They do not think exactly alike, but complement each other's thinking. They do not seek to change each other, but grow with each other in the process of compromise. They do not live perfectly, but follow the Path toward Perfection. There will be conflicts and bad days, but this is also how their relationship will grow and be ever renewed as they grow old together.

I accept that my husband does not seek this sort of union with me. I thought we were in agreement regarding the relationship we each desired and, for me, being married to this man in this manner was my vow, and my opportunity to finally live it. I believe that he wants similar things as I want in a relationship, but I do not provide these things in the ways that connect deeply within him. We connect mentally, but now I realize that a deeper connection on the other levels is not there--there is minimal physical affection or emotional comfort, mutual spiritual reflection or communication. So what else is left that then defines this as a marriage?

If I could not provide what he needs, and he was so unhappy with me that he would live his life with another, I will not hold him. I will not wait for him to love me, or try any longer to convince him of my love. I love him too much for that. I love my Self more than that.

I accept that what has happened now defines our Future. This will happen again. Maybe not for a while and probably not with her, but it will happen again. I certainly don't believe she was the first--just the first that he got caught with. There is no blame being placed here. Just the absence of trust. The last year has shown me that my husband is not the person I thought I married. I accept I was wrong, but will not beat myself up over it. I also accept that this is the man I loved like no other, and that he is human.

I accept that we can be friends for a time. But I also recognize and accept that I have needs that I have adjusted, compromised, rationalized away and minimized for too too long because I thought his pain and needs were greater than mine. I am emotionally and spiritually fatigued. I am hungry for emotional comfort that will never come. I have no more to give. To remain emotionally present in this relationship is like being thirsty and choosing to remain in the desert.

I accept that everything happens for a reason. It will just take time to find the reason. Perhaps it is better that I find out these things about him sooner than later. In acceptance, I save my Self and I can at least prepare for what may come.

Sharing the Pain...and the Life Lessons

I'd like to share this blog that I discovered recently
with those who have arrived here for similar reasons:

http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com