What About the Other Woman?

You know who you are. You are the needy (wanty), greedy ones who look for emotional connection with those you know are unavailable because you feel this provides some "protection." (Only you know what really goes in that brain of yours as rationalization and denial set in and you begin to deal with your conflicted emotions.) But in a zen way, the unattainable are the very ones you desire most, and you do not accept this until you are in too deeply. (This opinion does not apply to those who are deceived from the beginning into thinking that the object of their desire is available. No, this post pertains to those who begin, continue and persist with those they know are married, and are not separated or actively in the process of divorce.)

In my situation, I have had opportunities to communicate with the other woman. I think I have come to know her pretty well from these interactions, her freely dribbling blogs, and what others and my husband have said about her. All these things together have been consistent, if nothing else. Who she is as a person translates into a predictable woman of low integrity and high self-denial. She has low self-esteem, is very immature, and manipulates those around her for sympathy by being ill or tired or distraught all the time. She feigned pregnancy and publicly threatened to commit suicide when my husband ignored her. She appeals more to strangers because they simply do not know the real her. She claims to "be real," but seems to find more comfort in fabricating a "reality" that is appealing to others, while neglecting her own internal reality--unhealthy, emotionally dysfunctional, manipulative, and all the while saying she is such a good person, and bemoaning all the terrible things that happen to her.

This same self-professed "honest" person insists she is the victim. She acknowledges that she knew that my husband was married. She refuses to accept the reality that she is a person that my husband could not be with, because she is the sum total of so many things he intensely dislikes in other women. I guess in the manner of committing emotional suicide, it was predictable that he would be with such a person. Of course, he is not blameless in this affair, but at any point, she could have said no.

Even now, many months after it is over, she is still talking to other people about him as if they will be together some day. She is supposedly in a committed relationship now, but never seems to speak publicly of the other.

For people like this, they want sympathy, yet get angry, feel hurt and victimized when another does the exact same thing to them. They feel that what another does is justification for deceit and betrayal and the violation of sacred bonds. She is not alone. How many people feel that if someone does X to them, that means they can do Y back. (I don't give me that crap about "An eye for an eye.") Of course, being hurt and in pain because of deception and betrayal cause feelings of anger and revenge to enter into your Mind. But following through on these malicious thoughts is doubly wrong as what that person did to you.

For those of you who have been though what I have been through and do not retaliate, how do you reconcile the feelings of betrayal and other woman? It is tempting to do the same thing. You learn the bitter lessons that this experience brings and get on with your Life. But that is easier said than done...

Acceptance

When you change the way you think about things,

The things you think about change.

Wayne Dyer

Hello, World! It has been awhile..been living, doing, thinking, and growing--trying to put into practice some of the ways of being I have shared here. It is getting...better, easier to go longer periods without feeling the deep pain of what has been. Can I find forgiveness? Yes. But forgetting is just not to be found. Forgetting would mean embracing a false amnesia of who my husband really is. It would be a denial of what each of us actually thought and (separately) felt about our so-called marriage. That is the area of clarity that all of these past events has brought. There was a fog enveloping our marriage from the beginning, and the knowledge of Truth has brought things into a sharp focus. Like finding out that the world is really round, after thinking it was flat, there is no going back. But there can be acceptance, and I can find that state as a middle road to the Future.

I accept that my vision of a healthy marriage is not wrong. I am not idealistic about it. A marriage is when two people feel they are stronger, happier, better together, than separate. The two connect uniquely in Love--mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They do not think exactly alike, but complement each other's thinking. They do not seek to change each other, but grow with each other in the process of compromise. They do not live perfectly, but follow the Path toward Perfection. There will be conflicts and bad days, but this is also how their relationship will grow and be ever renewed as they grow old together.

I accept that my husband does not seek this sort of union with me. I thought we were in agreement regarding the relationship we each desired and, for me, being married to this man in this manner was my vow, and my opportunity to finally live it. I believe that he wants similar things as I want in a relationship, but I do not provide these things in the ways that connect deeply within him. We connect mentally, but now I realize that a deeper connection on the other levels is not there--there is minimal physical affection or emotional comfort, mutual spiritual reflection or communication. So what else is left that then defines this as a marriage?

If I could not provide what he needs, and he was so unhappy with me that he would live his life with another, I will not hold him. I will not wait for him to love me, or try any longer to convince him of my love. I love him too much for that. I love my Self more than that.

I accept that what has happened now defines our Future. This will happen again. Maybe not for a while and probably not with her, but it will happen again. I certainly don't believe she was the first--just the first that he got caught with. There is no blame being placed here. Just the absence of trust. The last year has shown me that my husband is not the person I thought I married. I accept I was wrong, but will not beat myself up over it. I also accept that this is the man I loved like no other, and that he is human.

I accept that we can be friends for a time. But I also recognize and accept that I have needs that I have adjusted, compromised, rationalized away and minimized for too too long because I thought his pain and needs were greater than mine. I am emotionally and spiritually fatigued. I am hungry for emotional comfort that will never come. I have no more to give. To remain emotionally present in this relationship is like being thirsty and choosing to remain in the desert.

I accept that everything happens for a reason. It will just take time to find the reason. Perhaps it is better that I find out these things about him sooner than later. In acceptance, I save my Self and I can at least prepare for what may come.

Sharing the Pain...and the Life Lessons

I'd like to share this blog that I discovered recently
with those who have arrived here for similar reasons:

http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Don't Know Mind

About a month ago, I synchronously came upon an passage in a book I was reading regarding "don't know mind." The words resonated within and practicing this concept intrigued me, as I have been in a state of not knowing for some time. (I am certain that the state of confusion I had felt at times in recent months was not what that practice was all about :) "Being present" is helpful in challenging times, but the concept of "don't know" mind seemed to take mindfulness to another level.

If you don't understand, or if you have an answer but don't know how to respond, only keep a "don't know" mind. Don't hold the problem in your thinking mind. Keeping a "don't know" mind means cutting off all thinking. Cutting off all discursive thoughts takes us to the wellspring of our true nature, and brings us to the present Moment. What are you doing just now?

Your mind is like the sea. When the wind comes, there are very big waves. When the wind dies down, the waves become smaller and smaller, until finally the wind disappears altogether and the sea is like a clear mirror. Then mountains, trees and all things are reflected on the surface of the sea. There are many thought-waves in your mind. But if you continue to practice "don't know" mind, this thinking will become gradually smaller, until finally your mind will always be clear. When the mind becomes clear, it is like a mirror: red comes and the mirror is red; yellow comes and the mirror is yellow; a mountain comes and the mirror is a mountain. Your mind is the mountain; the mountain is your mind. They are not two. So it is very important not to be attached either to thinking or to not thinking. You mustn't be upset by anything that goes on in your mind. Only don't worry and keep don't know mind. So it all depends on how you are keeping your mind just now, at this very moment! This just-now mind continues and becomes your life, as one point continues and becomes a straight line. So I ask you: What are you? You don't know; there is only "I don't know." (Zen Master Seung Sahn)

Since then, I have tried very hard to put this philosophy into action, and I am here to tell you that I have a long way to go. I can be Present, and acknowledge and relax into a state of "not knowing." This does help for a short time, and I have tried to apply this to the situation with my husband.

To his credit, it appears that he has had no further contact with the other woman, but he does not want to work through what happened. No counseling or mediation. No further conversations about it. His solution is pretending it never was.

So I don't know how things will be, but there are some things that I do know: He is with me, but it is not because he loves me. I know this because there is little talk of emotions, or affection, or words of endearment. I believe now that she was not the first (only the first one I found out about), that there will be others (there may already be, and he might just be more careful), and that he will eventually leave, finding some way to blame me for it. So I must prepare myself emotionally for the inevitable. Most of all, I don't want "don't know" to turn into "don't care."

I wish things were very different. I wish that he openly felt more for me, that he wanted to convince me that she did not matter and I did. That he had gotten over her to the degree that he could speak about her openly and matter-of-factly. That he couldn't bear the thought of losing me. Isn't this how a husband and wife should be together? Evidently, this is just my one-sided fantasy of how things could be.

We are good friends in other areas of our life, and perhaps that is more important than love? We work well together, share many things in common, have intelligent conversations, help each other out, and I do believe he is a good person inside, even if he is a dishonest person. However, I am becoming less willing to settle for the very minimal emotional attention he provides, and the lies have done their damage.

Let me qualify...truly it is not the infidelity and lies that have damaged the relationship, for I could come to understand (and forgive) why he felt deception was necessary at the time. It is the unwillingness to acknowledge the lies or feel remorse for them. He will not talk about what the truth is or how he feels. He does not acknowledge how he would feel if I had done something similar. And on the flip side, he does not give me credit for the strength it has taken for me to accept what happened and try to move on. He feels that saying "I am sorry this happened" once is all the apology that is needed to get on with our life. And all of this simply confirms he has little investment in our future together.

So I guess seeking peace is evolving into actively creating peace within, but how will this all turn out? I just don't know...

Look at this face. I know the years are showing.
Look at this life. I still don't know where it's going.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.

Look at these eyes--they never've seen what mattered.
Look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know.

So many questions still left unanswered;
So much I've never broken through.
And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly
The only truth I've ever known is me and you.

Look at this man, so blessed with inspiration.
Look at this soul, still searching for salvation.
I don't know much, but I know I love you
And that may be all I need to know.

What Dreams May Come?

The Paths of You and Me,

That began as the One Path of Us,
Separate at the crossroads of our Future.
Now here I stand nonplussed;
Sadly, I hesitate, needing to make a choice:

Which road shall I tread?

On the Path With You, I dream that you are there,

With compassion, affection, honesty,

You see yourself clearly, and you see me where
You are, in the midst of our Happiness.

On the Path of Me, I can dream of you no more,
For you are elusive, cold, isolated,
Closeness and intimacy you deplore,
Hiding behind your defensive wall of deception.

I pray for the Path of Us,

But wonder if it ever was.

As I took those steps,
Walking in our shoes
Was I in a dream?
(Stupid is as stupid does)
Or was there solid footing inclined
Upwards?

Standing at the crossroads,
I will never know,
For all that is behind,
Far beyond the Horizon
Of our Long Ago.
Perplexed that it could not last,
Wondering what dreams may come,
What the Future may bring
I shudder with dread, and want to run.

Letter to My Spouse

I wish that it was such between us that I could say these things to you face to face, that you were in a place within your Self that you could listen and hear what I have been trying to communicate for so long. Alas, I am relegated to a space in a place outside Us to say what I must. For I must let go of the things you wish me to forget. The letting go is not so I can pretend they never happened (as you are trying to do), but to get on with my Life.

I will listen to your Message, perhaps at the cost of Us, but not at the expense of Me. For too long, I have loved you unconditionally, despite the unbalanced love, imagined slights, hurtfulness, lies and betrayal. For too long, I thought that you were so wounded Inside that you needed a stronger Love to surpass your own Inner Pain. I believed that you needed a patient understanding from someone who truly cared about you so you could get beyond the things that held you back from Being who you are.

All the while, you withdrew more and more, and accused me of leaving you alone, saying this is why you went to others. You rejected the myriad suggestions for us to be together, and stood by passively saying we did nothing. You provided no alternatives, and said I was the cause of your boredom. You entered into an intimate relationship with another woman (was she the only one?), making plans for your Future together, and you did things that you would never accept from me. You perceive attacks in reconstructive comments, and I am supposedly the one with a guilty conscience. When there was nothing worse you could cite, you fabricated an evil, malicious version of me to blame for what you were doing. Somehow I became the default reason while all your deceptions were justified, and why there is no need for you to apologize for the betrayal and violation of our Relationship.

Despite all this, what you have done in the last year is not good enough reason for me to be mistrustful and cautious and confused about you and us. I could forgive you for the deception and even the intimacies with her, but I am tired of apologizing for trite things you will never forgive, that you have inflated to huge proportions to balance your indiscretions. I am tired of persisting in a relationship without a sincere Love or tenderness. I must cease the futile attempts (and yes, I see now just how futile they have been) to prove something that you will never believe no matter what is presented before you or demonstrated.

The unbalance of our Relationship has tipped until the weight of it is too much to bear. Now I must balance who I am to love more: you or me. Haven't we learned that making false assumptions will destroy our relationship? Yet you hold on to and manipulate your false assumptions to justify your actions. You say things are different now, but you will not let go. You will not go to counseling, despite your suggesting it, because "we will speak of the Past." You say you do not want to be with her, but not why you want to be with me, so you feel that saying nothing should be interpreted as everything being fine. There is a simple answer, but you cannot speak it, because you do not feel it, and this I must learn to accept. I do love you still, but will not try to make you love me when you don't. We can try to look to the future, but only the Future will tell.

In My Beginning is My End

I said to my Soul, be still, and wait without hope,
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing.
Wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing.
There is yet faith, but the faith and the love
And the hope are all in the waiting.

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought;

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness, the dancing...

Trying to use words and every attempt

Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure

Because one has only learnt to get the better of words;
For the thing one no longer has to say,
Or the way in which one is no longer disposed to say it…

Home is where one starts from.
As we grow older the world becomes stranger,
the pattern more complicated of dead and living.
Not the intense moment isolated,
With no before and after,

But a lifetime burning in every moment;
And not the lifetime of one man only,

But of old stones that cannot be deciphered.

Love is most nearly itself when
Here and now cease to matter.

Old men ought to be explorers--

Here or there does not matter;

We must be still and still moving into another intensity

For a further union, a deeper communion

Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,

The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters

Of the petrel and the porpoise.

In my end is my beginning.

T. S. Eliot