Anniversaries mark significant events in our lives. Some are cause for celebration and happiness, and others remind us of tragedy that is difficult to forget. This anniversary arrives with a bit of both…
We are together this year to honor another year as Husband and Wife. This is a special anniversary simply because you are still here.
On the other hand, this is the anniversary of your time away, and a reminder of where you were (and probably still are) inside yourself. You were not with me, and so unhappy because of me that you compromised principles and habits to flee in an attempted escape to who knows where. Last year could have been the last year of our marriage.
Now, almost a year has past. This is a time to accept that many things have not changed—for both of us. Now more than ever, we both need clarity that we cannot give to each other together, so it is time to seek that clarity within ourselves. I acknowledge my too deep feelings for you, but realize these are withering fruits on a vine. You do not care for me as a husband for his wife, and will never truly be there for me, so I freely give you your freedom. You no longer have to pretend, or feel the need to deceive, or feign amnesia so you do not have to talk about what was and is. This is the freedom to “be.” Only you can choose what that freedom means to you.
So this anniversary is an end and a beginning…I need to end the pain of acknowledging who you are and realizing who you are not. You need this so you can get on with being who you were meant to be…without guilt or self-deception.
I knew I would have to let go of the things that happened, but feared that in the letting go, bits of you would also fall away, and I would be left with only numbness. Now I must take that risk, because I must accept the way things are. I also acknowledge that we have been the deepest of friends and truly value that above all. This is where My Beginning will be.
We both need to gather the true Essence of our Selves, and grow toward our Highest Self and Purpose, to decide what we want to do with our lives, even if the probability is that this Life will not include each other. I pray that Divine Intervention will ensure that we will be together for many more anniversaries.
With too much love and too many imperfections, Your Wife
It's our Anniversary! I wish that was a time to celebrate, but it only serves as a reminder of the events of the past year. One year ago was the time when he was full on into being deceptive and pretending to still be in the relationship, while he was maintaining almost daily contact with her. They were discussing how very unhappy he was, what terrible things I was doing to him, how he would divorce me, and how they would spend their time together as a couple. All the while, he picked fights with me and hurled accusations of what I was allegedly doing to him, fabricating absurd reasons for my allegedly deceptive motives for marrying him. There was, of course, no pattern of behavior or conversation (even in the heat of the Moment) to support any of this. In fact, history, actions, discussions (and Reality) demonstrated quite the opposite of what he was saying.
Of course, I did not know what was going on at the time. I suspected, but when I asked things like "Is there anything that I should be concerned about" or "Is there anything you want to tell me," he would say know "No, I'm just hanging out with his buddies." I found out later what was actually going on, and what he finally acknowledged confirmed many suspicions.
I acknowledge that things are somewhat different now. Or at least on the surface, it appears that way. However, since last year, I have been able to verify enough to know that he was being deeply deceptive over an extended period of time. I have no idea how deep this deception went and for how long he has been lying to me. At this point, it is moot, because I do not trust him. He lied so well and with such conviction, like he was practiced at doing it. His honesty was one of the qualities I most admired about him, and without that, I don't know what I think about him as a person.
I must give him credit for things having changed on some levels. Although he does not speak about her in depth, he has said that she would have been "suicide" for him; that she fabricated a good deal of what she has said about him; and that he has not contacted her. It does appear that she is off whoring about, but I am reminded that these statements are coming from a confirmed liar.
Will things get better? I truly don't know. What I do know is that he is emotionally disconnected from me, and no relationship can last without that deeper connection. I can forgive him many things and move on, if I knew that he was being honest now (but I have no such assurances). I could move on and leave all the events of the last year behind, if he could speak of it openly and without escalating (but he cannot). I could turn off the pain that flows inside if he acknowledged what happened and showed remorse (but he can only say "I am sorry for what happened" and nothing more). I could accept this as an opportunity to help us grow in our relationship, but there are others about which he will not speak, and says only the same things he said with her: they are "his buddies."
(ASIDE: I recently walked in on a casual gathering of my husband, one of his female "buddies" and another male friend. Hubbie was introducing his male friend to his female friend, but evidently there was some confusion. His male friend thought the female was his wife (hmm, what made him think that?). My husband was remarking to her that the other "thought you were my wife" and she remarked "Is that a bad thing?" I walked in just as she said that, and then my husband introduced me to her as "The Missus." Never has he ever introduced me to anyone as his wife. Now this may all be nothing, but it seemed strange that she considered being mistaken for his wife was not a "bad thing." I asked him about what she meant and he almost went into a rage immediately. Hmmm...)
I don't know how long I can last without an emotional connection to the man I married for Life, and whom I thought was my True Soulmate. I can accept our deep Friendship. This is very important in my Life as well. But how long can I continue without the things I married him for? I cannot depend on him for emotional support and caring; for honesty and respect; for open, thoughtful communication. Forget affection and comfort. He sees me crying, and his response is "What now?" He sees me writing a letter, and he says, "That's not for me, is it?" I wonder how he can have compassion for strangers and none for his Wife?
I cry in Silence, but soon I will have no more tears for Us, and they will stop. I shudder when I think of what will happen when I stop caring.
Here lies a Heart in its last throes... Once overflowing with Love and emotion For one who was thought to be the One.
Too much time has passed without air,
Too many things have been left undone.
Too many heartbeats, too many tears
Gone, unnoticed, without nourishment,
No comfort, no care.
As the Life Blood slowly ebbed away.
The distance grew, as the cold winds blew, And the poison flowed in from everywhere: Loving gestures were twisted into ugliness; Unconditional love, forged into malicious intention. So many reasons were needed to justify the deception, To make it appear that Love was not there, To make him feel that I did not care, When none could be found, they were fabricated, And cloaked in denial.
All the while, the Heart bled Until there was no more left to give. For what is there left for which to live When it was all one Big Lie? Now Reality must be forged Into a state of numbness; The Heart must be closed so that My eyes may be wide open, To see the Future unclouded with pain, Without the fog of unrequited love. Instead of tears, bring on the cleansing rain To wash away the tainted past. Will he leave or somehow evolve and last? Who knows what the Future will be. I will have to wait...patiently for my Destiny.
You know who you are. You are the needy (wanty), greedy ones who look for emotional connection with those you know are unavailable because you feel this provides some "protection." (Only you know what really goes in that brain of yours as rationalization and denial set in and you begin to deal with your conflicted emotions.) But in a zen way, the unattainable are the very ones you desire most, and you do not accept this until you are in too deeply. (This opinion does not apply to those who are deceived from the beginning into thinking that the object of their desire is available. No, this post pertains to those who begin, continue and persist with those they know are married, and are not separated or actively in the process of divorce.)
In my situation, I have had opportunities to communicate with the other woman. I think I have come to know her pretty well from these interactions, her freely dribbling blogs, and what others and my husband have said about her. All these things together have been consistent, if nothing else. Who she is as a person translates into a predictable woman of low integrity and high self-denial. She has low self-esteem, is very immature, and manipulates those around her for sympathy by being ill or tired or distraught all the time. She feigned pregnancy and publicly threatened to commit suicide when my husband ignored her. She appeals more to strangers because they simply do not know the real her. She claims to "be real," but seems to find more comfort in fabricating a "reality" that is appealing to others, while neglecting her own internal reality--unhealthy, emotionally dysfunctional, manipulative, and all the while saying she is such a good person, and bemoaning all the terrible things that happen to her.
This same self-professed "honest" person insists she is the victim. She acknowledges that she knew that my husband was married. She refuses to accept the reality that she is a person that my husband could not be with, because she is the sum total of so many things he intensely dislikes in other women. I guess in the manner of committing emotional suicide, it was predictable that he would be with such a person. Of course, he is not blameless in this affair, but at any point, she could have said no.
Even now, many months after it is over, she is still talking to other people about him as if they will be together some day. She is supposedly in a committed relationship now, but never seems to speak publicly of the other.
For people like this, they want sympathy, yet get angry, feel hurt and victimized when another does the exact same thing to them. They feel that what another does is justification for deceit and betrayal and the violation of sacred bonds. She is not alone. How many people feel that if someone does X to them, that means they can do Y back. (I don't give me that crap about "An eye for an eye.") Of course, being hurt and in pain because of deception and betrayal cause feelings of anger and revenge to enter into your Mind. But following through on these malicious thoughts is doubly wrong as what that person did to you.
For those of you who have been though what I have been through and do not retaliate, how do you reconcile the feelings of betrayal and other woman? It is tempting to do the same thing. You learn the bitter lessons that this experience brings and get on with your Life. But that is easier said than done...
Hello, World! It has been awhile..been living, doing, thinking, and growing--trying to put into practice some of the ways of being I have shared here. It is getting...better, easier to go longer periods without feeling the deep pain of what has been. Can I find forgiveness? Yes. But forgetting is just not to be found. Forgetting would mean embracing a false amnesia of who my husband really is. It would be a denial of what each of us actually thought and (separately) felt about our so-called marriage. That is the area of clarity that all of these past events has brought. There was a fog enveloping our marriage from the beginning, and the knowledge of Truth has brought things into a sharp focus. Like finding out that the world is really round, after thinking it was flat, there is no going back. But there can be acceptance, and I can find that state as a middle road to the Future.
I accept that my vision of a healthy marriage is not wrong. I am not idealistic about it. A marriage is when two people feel they are stronger, happier, better together, than separate. The two connect uniquely in Love--mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They do not think exactly alike, but complement each other's thinking. They do not seek to change each other, but grow with each other in the process of compromise. They do not live perfectly, but follow the Path toward Perfection. There will be conflicts and bad days, but this is also how their relationship will grow and be ever renewed as they grow old together.
I accept that my husband does not seek this sort of union with me. I thought we were in agreement regarding the relationship we each desired and, for me, being married to this man in this manner was my vow, and my opportunity to finally live it. I believe that he wants similar things as I want in a relationship, but I do not provide these things in the ways that connect deeply within him. We connect mentally, but now I realize that a deeper connection on the other levels is not there--there is minimal physical affection or emotional comfort, mutual spiritual reflection or communication. So what else is left that then defines this as a marriage?
If I could not provide what he needs, and he was so unhappy with me that he would live his life with another, I will not hold him. I will not wait for him to love me, or try any longer to convince him of my love. I love him too much for that. I love my Self more than that.
I accept that what has happened now defines our Future. This will happen again. Maybe not for a while and probably not with her, but it will happen again. I certainly don't believe she was the first--just the first that he got caught with. There is no blame being placed here. Just the absence of trust. The last year has shown me that my husband is not the person I thought I married. I accept I was wrong, but will not beat myself up over it. I also accept that this is the man I loved like no other, and that he is human.
I accept that we can be friends for a time. But I also recognize and accept that I have needs that I have adjusted, compromised, rationalized away and minimized for too too long because I thought his pain and needs were greater than mine. I am emotionally and spiritually fatigued. I am hungry for emotional comfort that will never come. I have no more to give. To remain emotionally present in this relationship is like being thirsty and choosing to remain in the desert.
I accept that everything happens for a reason. It will just take time to find the reason. Perhaps it is better that I find out these things about him sooner than later. In acceptance, I save my Self and I can at least prepare for what may come.
About a month ago, I synchronously came upon an passage in a book I was reading regarding "don't know mind." The words resonated within and practicing this concept intrigued me, as I have been in a state of not knowing for some time. (I am certain that the state of confusion I had felt at times in recent months was not what that practice was all about :) "Being present" is helpful in challenging times, but the concept of "don't know" mind seemed to take mindfulness to another level.
If you don't understand, or if you have an answer but don't know how to respond, only keep a "don't know" mind. Don't hold the problem in your thinking mind. Keeping a "don't know" mind means cutting off all thinking. Cutting off all discursive thoughts takes us to the wellspring of our true nature, and brings us to the present Moment. What are you doing just now?
Your mind is like the sea. When the wind comes, there are very big waves. When the wind dies down, the waves become smaller and smaller, until finally the wind disappears altogether and the sea is like a clear mirror. Then mountains, trees and all things are reflected on the surface of the sea. There are many thought-waves in your mind. But if you continue to practice "don't know" mind, this thinking will become gradually smaller, until finally your mind will always be clear. When the mind becomes clear, it is like a mirror: red comes and the mirror is red; yellow comes and the mirror is yellow; a mountain comes and the mirror is a mountain. Your mind is the mountain; the mountain is your mind. They are not two. So it is very important not to be attached either to thinking or to not thinking. You mustn't be upset by anything that goes on in your mind. Only don't worry and keep don't know mind. So it all depends on how you are keeping your mind just now, at this very moment! This just-now mind continues and becomes your life, as one point continues and becomes a straight line. So I ask you: What are you? You don't know; there is only "I don't know." (Zen Master Seung Sahn) Since then, I have tried very hard to put this philosophy into action, and I am here to tell you that I have a long way to go. I can be Present, and acknowledge and relax into a state of "not knowing." This does help for a short time, and I have tried to apply this to the situation with my husband.
To his credit, it appears that he has had no further contact with the other woman, but he does not want to work through what happened. No counseling or mediation. No further conversations about it. His solution is pretending it never was.
So I don't know how things will be, but there are some things that I do know: He is with me, but it is not because he loves me. I know this because there is little talk of emotions, or affection, or words of endearment. I believe now that she was not the first (only the first one I found out about), that there will be others (there may already be, and he might just be more careful), and that he will eventually leave, finding some way to blame me for it. So I must prepare myself emotionally for the inevitable. Most of all, I don't want "don't know" to turn into "don't care."
I wish things were very different. I wish that he openly felt more for me, that he wanted to convince me that she did not matter and I did. That he had gotten over her to the degree that he could speak about her openly and matter-of-factly. That he couldn't bear the thought of losing me. Isn't this how a husband and wife should be together? Evidently, this is just my one-sided fantasy of how things could be.
We are good friends in other areas of our life, and perhaps that is more important than love? We work well together, share many things in common, have intelligent conversations, help each other out, and I do believe he is a good person inside, even if he is a dishonest person. However, I am becoming less willing to settle for the very minimal emotional attention he provides, and the lies have done their damage.
Let me qualify...truly it is not the infidelity and lies that have damaged the relationship, for I could come to understand (and forgive) why he felt deception was necessary at the time. It is the unwillingness to acknowledge the lies or feel remorse for them. He will not talk about what the truth is or how he feels. He does not acknowledge how he would feel if I had done something similar. And on the flip side, he does not give me credit for the strength it has taken for me to accept what happened and try to move on. He feels that saying "I am sorry this happened" once is all the apology that is needed to get on with our life. And all of this simply confirms he has little investment in our future together.
So I guess seeking peace is evolving into actively creating peace within, but how will this all turn out? I just don't know...
Look at this face. I know the years are showing. Look at this life. I still don't know where it's going. I don't know much, but I know I love you, And that may be all I need to know.
Look at these eyes--they never've seen what mattered. Look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered. I don't know much, but I know I love you, And that may be all I need to know.
So many questions still left unanswered; So much I've never broken through. And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly The only truth I've ever known is me and you.
Look at this man, so blessed with inspiration. Look at this soul, still searching for salvation. I don't know much, but I know I love you And that may be all I need to know.
Anniversaries mark significant events in our lives. Some are cause for celebration and happiness, and others remind us of tragedy that is difficult to forget. This anniversary arrives with a bit of both…
