"I Love You, but I'm Not IN LOVE With You" is a Cop-Out

In my travels, I came across a very interesting blog about relationships. An article with the above title caught my eye, but for likely very different reasons than the blogger, searchingwithin, intended. I have heard this phrase several times from woman outside our marriage.

I am currently in a marriage marred by deception and infidelity. I thought we were soulmates and had a relationship built on mutual respect, so was trusting of all my husband's female "buddies." Even when things got a little too chummy, when so much time was being invested in the outside relationships, I still trusted him. He said there was "nothing" going on between them, there was nothing for me to be concerned about.

With several of these so-called "friends," I had chances to talk with them, to find out more about the nature of their relationship with my husband, and actually asked them about it.

Some were really just friends. However, there were several women whose explanations had a very different tone, who acknowledged explicitly that they loved my husband. Although they all had a unique story to tell about him, each and every one ended up saying the same phrase: "Oh, oh, I love him, but I am not IN LOVE with him." In retrospect, I do feel this was a cop-out.

I am aware that at least one of these women was having a full-blown relationship with my husband, with his planning to leave me and be with her. He spent a great deal of time with her. And this is what I could confirm.

Who knows about the rest who also "love him, but are not in love with him?" Ah, but this is where this story ends, because I have reached a point where it does not matter. I am not concerned about the others any more, and whatever I say or do or feel has never mattered to any of them--even my husband.

Nothing matters now except moving forward, in peace without pain, without doubt, with my Self intact. That is for the spring to bring...

A Valentine Message for My Spouse

As you privately share with your secret Valentines, I wish you your life and inspiration, hoping that you finally find True Love within your Self.

I am very truly sorry that I could never be for you what you needed or wanted, but I cannot be any one else any more. A fatigue within my Being has been setting in that I must awake from to save my Self. I am tired of the emotional distance between us, the deception, the cold indifference, lack of compassion and warmth. Most of all, I am tired of being criticized and blamed as if I was the only person in this relationship, as if you never make mistakes.

But I also do not want you to be any one else. This is who you are, who you have chosen to be, and I must honor that.

There is a strange peace in knowing there is no other place for us to go, except where we are right now. It is not a place I want to be, but such is Life with lovelessness.

I wish only that Angels watch over each of us as we walk our separate paths into the future.

A New Year

Wow! I did not realize that it had been so long since my last post. I have been really trying to move on, to adjust my thinking, to be more trustful. My husband appears to be faithful and more present in our marriage, but I truly don't know if I can get past the doubts. I say "appears" because I will never know. He "appeared" to be faithful and honest and invested in our marriage, but I was wrong. He appeared to love me and respect me, and I was wrong. To be honest, I feel he is just being more careful and more selective of the maturity level of his "outside interests." I only knew of his transgressions because his woman felt the uncontrollable urge to tell the world about the intimate details of their relationship.

I wish that he and I could talk about what happened and bring real closure to those events. If we could have constructive dialogue about what happened, and what he felt that lead him to make the choices he did, I would be much more willing to move on, and I would know better how not to repeat the same mistakes as a couple. But this will never be because he wants to just forget everything. He wants me to forget everything, but I cannot forget what all of this really meant: that he does not love me. Even more than one year later, he cannot calmly discuss the events and the deception that lead us to where we are today...to where I am every day because I grow very weary of the emotional famine that I have to live with.

There is no affection--no tender touch, no arms around me, no holding of hands (in public or in private). There are no hugs nor closeness in the darkness as we prepare to sleep. There is no compassion when he sees that I am in pain. Only an irritated "What now?" He does not tell me he loves me, or that he cares about me, or that he is glad or happy or whatever that I have been so tolerant about what happened.

I do not know whether he is being honest with me or continuing the deception with others. Where does any relationship go when truth has gone? Everything is questioned and nothing is authentic. How does one live like that with integrity? How CAN one live with integrity with such doubt?

I realized that she was not probably not the only one. The signs were there, but I wanted to trust him and believe in him. He likely still communicates with them, and/or they with him, though more secretly. I do not want to live like that. I know too many married couples who have lived entire loveless lives together and it is a sham. I will not live with that deception, pretending that everything is alright. But I do not know what to do about it. I pray for the strength to know what is best to do for the both of us, and then do it with conviction and inner strength.

At times, I remain so busy that I do not think about it. But at other times, the sadness and soulful fatigue is unbearable, and I feel nothing but the heaviness of my being so wrong, my own stupidity for not going with my gut feelings. When I thought he was being unfaithful before, he told me that there was nothing to be concerned about, that there was no one else. So when he says the same things now, what does it mean?

I grow more doubtful of my Self and I cannot let this happen. I have only my strength of spirit to carry me through this.

There are so many things I wish could happen, but they won't. I believe in this Free Will Universe, and he has chosen to be this way with me. I don't want to love him. I don't want to pretend any more. I don't want him to have to pretend. And so it goes on until what happens? This is another story that is yet to be told.

Moving On...Inside

I believe we are all here for a Higher Purpose...that we are placed on this Planet as Spiritual Beings whose reason for being is to evolve both as individuals and as a collective. This requires a personal perspective that does not become so narrow that it excludes others. At the same time, it also requires a group perspective that honors individuality and personal creativity. That said, within this context, committed relationships take on a very different purpose, because they provide the opportunities for both individual and collective development.

I realize that most people in committed relationships (i.e., long-term monogamy or marriage) do not see Life in this way, let alone their relationships. This blog seeks to share some insights with those in committed relationships--to those who feel they are with their Soulmate, and want to remain together for as long as possible in authentic ways. In other words, to grow as individuals, together, toward their Higher Selves and Higher Purpose.

When we feel we have found that One True Soulmate, it is truly awesome and wondrous. To sincerely feel that something Larger has brought you together is unique. If we live long enough with that person to only find that you were wrong about them, that can be devastating. It may shake the very foundations of your beliefs, and not just your faith in relationships or your judgment. (It is important to not let this experience deter you from seeking further. Every experience provides wisdom that can be used in other experiences. Continuing self-doubt only prevents you from developing further and keeps you down.)

We each must find those thoughts and deeds and prayers that keep us moving along to our Higher Purpose. In hindsight, we hopefully see things so much more clearly, but I am here to offer to those interested in staying with their Soulmate, to share what I have learned from my experiences so that you may go into your Future together with eyes (and Heart) wide open, with a clarity of Vision.

First and foremost, and above all other advice (because it impacts so many other things), be honest with your Mate. A true relationship can limp back from many infractions and imperfections if there is a foundation of honesty. Patterns of deception that go on with one believing in the other (despite the signs), and then are found to be lies over a period of time only destroy what faith and trust existed in the relationship. This is difficult to regain or rebuild, especially if the lies were compounded by actual confirmation of the deception.

Now here comes the next most important thing: learn to communicate with each other on deeper levels and about all aspects of the relationship. I say "learn" because most of us really don't know how to effectively communicate with our Selves, let alone with others. Add large doses of emotional content into that mix and communication may break down completely. I know that some people have difficulty talking about their emotional state with any one, but if you cannot speak openly with your partner about the foundation of your relationship, then I would say the relationship is in grave trouble.

If you have honesty and communication, you already have the next important ingredient for a healthy relationship: respect. I say this because you have to respect your partner to be honest with them, and to be able to be vulnerable when communicating openly about emotions.

There it is: Honesty, Communication, Respect. Everything else stems from and depends on these qualities in a relationship. Sounds simple enough, but it seems these are difficult things to come by. When these do not exist in a relationship, where are these two people? Where is the relationship? Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to these questions. I am at that Place now and do not know what to do, but I guess this is where spiritual foundations come into play.

When there is the lack of honesty, there can be no trust. When there is no trust, every behavior becomes suspect. When you acknowledges the deception, but cannot discuss the reasons for it, there is no moving on. Is it just more deception?

I cannot live that way, so I move on inside, trying to disconnect and be happy outside. But how does one sever the emotional bonds with the Love of One's Life? How does one get over the reasons for the deceptions? Or what each lie and outside relationship meant in terms of where you were in the equation? It is tempting to fight fire with fire, but the spiritual imperative kicks in and you are faced with even more frustrating choices and decisions...if you wish to remain true to your Self.

Anniversary Gift to my Spouse

Anniversaries mark significant events in our lives. Some are cause for celebration and happiness, and others remind us of tragedy that is difficult to forget. This anniversary arrives with a bit of both…

We are together this year to honor another year as Husband and Wife. This is a special anniversary simply because you are still here.

On the other hand, this is the anniversary of your time away, and a reminder of where you were (and probably still are) inside yourself. You were not with me, and so unhappy because of me that you compromised principles and habits to flee in an attempted escape to who knows where. Last year could have been the last year of our marriage.

Now, almost a year has past. This is a time to accept that many things have not changed—for both of us. Now more than ever, we both need clarity that we cannot give to each other together, so it is time to seek that clarity within ourselves. I acknowledge my too deep feelings for you, but realize these are withering fruits on a vine. You do not care for me as a husband for his wife, and will never truly be there for me, so I freely give you your freedom. You no longer have to pretend, or feel the need to deceive, or feign amnesia so you do not have to talk about what was and is. This is the freedom to “be.” Only you can choose what that freedom means to you.

So this anniversary is an end and a beginning…I need to end the pain of acknowledging who you are and realizing who you are not. You need this so you can get on with being who you were meant to be…without guilt or self-deception.

I knew I would have to let go of the things that happened, but feared that in the letting go, bits of you would also fall away, and I would be left with only numbness. Now I must take that risk, because I must accept the way things are. I also acknowledge that we have been the deepest of friends and truly value that above all. This is where My Beginning will be.

We both need to gather the true Essence of our Selves, and grow toward our Highest Self and Purpose, to decide what we want to do with our lives, even if the probability is that this Life will not include each other. I pray that Divine Intervention will ensure that we will be together for many more anniversaries.

With too much love and too many imperfections,
Your Wife

Our Anniversary

It's our Anniversary! I wish that was a time to celebrate, but it only serves as a reminder of the events of the past year. One year ago was the time when he was full on into being deceptive and pretending to still be in the relationship, while he was maintaining almost daily contact with her. They were discussing how very unhappy he was, what terrible things I was doing to him, how he would divorce me, and how they would spend their time together as a couple. All the while, he picked fights with me and hurled accusations of what I was allegedly doing to him, fabricating absurd reasons for my allegedly deceptive motives for marrying him. There was, of course, no pattern of behavior or conversation (even in the heat of the Moment) to support any of this. In fact, history, actions, discussions (and Reality) demonstrated quite the opposite of what he was saying.

Of course, I did not know what was going on at the time. I suspected, but when I asked things like "Is there anything that I should be concerned about" or "Is there anything you want to tell me," he would say know "No, I'm just hanging out with his buddies." I found out later what was actually going on, and what he finally acknowledged confirmed many suspicions.

I acknowledge that things are somewhat different now. Or at least on the surface, it appears that way. However, since last year, I have been able to verify enough to know that he was being deeply deceptive over an extended period of time. I have no idea how deep this deception went and for how long he has been lying to me. At this point, it is moot, because I do not trust him. He lied so well and with such conviction, like he was practiced at doing it. His honesty was one of the qualities I most admired about him, and without that, I don't know what I think about him as a person.

I must give him credit for things having changed on some levels. Although he does not speak about her in depth, he has said that she would have been "suicide" for him; that she fabricated a good deal of what she has said about him; and that he has not contacted her. It does appear that she is off whoring about, but I am reminded that these statements are coming from a confirmed liar.

Will things get better? I truly don't know. What I do know is that he is emotionally disconnected from me, and no relationship can last without that deeper connection. I can forgive him many things and move on, if I knew that he was being honest now (but I have no such assurances). I could move on and leave all the events of the last year behind, if he could speak of it openly and without escalating (but he cannot). I could turn off the pain that flows inside if he acknowledged what happened and showed remorse (but he can only say "I am sorry for what happened" and nothing more). I could accept this as an opportunity to help us grow in our relationship, but there are others about which he will not speak, and says only the same things he said with her: they are "his buddies."

(ASIDE: I recently walked in on a casual gathering of my husband, one of his female "buddies" and another male friend. Hubbie was introducing his male friend to his female friend, but evidently there was some confusion. His male friend thought the female was his wife (hmm, what made him think that?). My husband was remarking to her that the other "thought you were my wife" and she remarked "Is that a bad thing?" I walked in just as she said that, and then my husband introduced me to her as "The Missus." Never has he ever introduced me to anyone as his wife. Now this may all be nothing, but it seemed strange that she considered being mistaken for his wife was not a "bad thing." I asked him about what she meant and he almost went into a rage immediately. Hmmm...)

I don't know how long I can last without an emotional connection to the man I married for Life, and whom I thought was my True Soulmate. I can accept our deep Friendship. This is very important in my Life as well. But how long can I continue without the things I married him for? I cannot depend on him for emotional support and caring; for honesty and respect; for open, thoughtful communication. Forget affection and comfort. He sees me crying, and his response is "What now?" He sees me writing a letter, and he says, "That's not for me, is it?" I wonder how he can have compassion for strangers and none for his Wife?

I cry in Silence, but soon I will have no more tears for Us, and they will stop. I shudder when I think of what will happen when I stop caring.

Epitaph to My Heart

Here lies a Heart in its last throes...
Once overflowing with Love and emotion
For one who was thought to be the One.

Too much time has passed without air,

Too many things have been left undone.

Too many heartbeats, too many tears

Gone, unnoticed, without nourishment,

No comfort, no care.

As the Life Blood slowly ebbed away.

The distance grew, as the cold winds blew,
And the poison flowed in from everywhere:
Loving gestures were twisted into ugliness;
Unconditional love, forged into malicious intention.
So many reasons were needed to justify the deception,
To make it appear that Love was not there,
To make him feel that I did not care,
When none could be found, they were fabricated,
And cloaked in denial.

All the while, the Heart bled
Until there was no more left to give.
For what is there left for which to live
When it was all one Big Lie?
Now Reality must be forged
Into a state of numbness;
The Heart must be closed so that
My eyes may be wide open,
To see the Future unclouded with pain,
Without the fog of unrequited love.
Instead of tears, bring on the cleansing rain
To wash away the tainted past.
Will he leave or somehow evolve and last?
Who knows what the Future will be.
I will have to wait...patiently for my Destiny.