Relationships

The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror,
reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors,
reflecting their beliefs. So relationship is one of the most
powerful tools for growth...if we look honestly at our
relationships, we can see so much about
how we have created them.

Shakti Gawain

Relationships...what a two-edged sword! Building, growing and maintaining a healthy relationship is not easy. This is only compounded when people outside the relationship are brought in, along with deception. The two primary people in the relationship are observing their own reflections on one side of the sword. But at times, this becomes a means of deflection in the relationship. Sometimes, that sword can cut to the Heart of things, and trim away the baggage that comes with, and garbage that builds up in any relationship. At other times, this sword is used to lash out at the other (sometimes for reasons unbeknownst to the thrasher) to hurt and destroy. Who understands self-sabotage? Most of the time, not the person doing it, and certainly not the person who is the object of that mostly unintentional destruction.

What we believe (and want to believe) is brought into the relationship, and some of us hope and pray that these beliefs will coincide with our significant other. Of course, there is a hierarchy of beliefs. I am certainly not as concerned about whether my partner likes the same music as I do, as whether he believes in a relationship with integrity and honesty.

But what happens when you find your thinking is wrong, that your partner does not believe in honesty or the integrity of the relationship, though they have mouthed the words? I guess this is where the opportunities for growth reside. How can a relationship grow with lies? So many things in that relationship depend on and flow from Honesty: trust, faith, respect, communication, authenticity. If there is not truth, where is the relationship?

And I guess this is where personal reflection enters. You have to decide what is more valuable to you, which beliefs are worth holding true to. Does the lack of honesty mean that the relationship should be severed? If you believe in the relationship, how can you know whether the deception will continue? No matter what your final decision--to stay or to go--how do you get past the scars left by the deception?

The Blogs of March

March has been a significant month in my Chronicle of Life's Loves.

It was in March 2000 that my SoulMate first told me that he loved me. This was after almost a year of talking to each other about a myriad of things, being true friends, sharing interests and insights with each other. Our connection deepened, we surfed upon a series of synchronous Moments, and much to both of our surprise, we married two years later. So you see this was not an impulsive decision for either of us.

I truly do not know why he married me, especially after all that has happened since, but for me, it was the hope of (finally) being in a relationship of mutual respect and deep friendship rooted in a Higher Love. It was the hope of being authentic, true to our Selves in each other and, as we used to say, letting each other simply "be." It was about be-ing with my true SoulMate and growing together into our old age.

But in March 2007, this man then informed me that he did not love me. (He did not say that he didn't love me any more, but that he married me because he thought he loved me and he didn't.) After that he proceeded to have affair(s), using the rationale that I was "leaving him on his own" and "being dismissive." Well, I don't know about you, but when I found out that the man I married did not love me, all I could do was stay out of his way so as to not irritate him... give him his space so he could get on with living his Life without my interference.

Despite his feelings, I still loved him and if he felt he could not be happy with me, then so be it. I did not wish pain upon him or curse at him, put him down, or call him names. I did not lie to him or cheat and sneak behind his back to develop love relationships with other people outside the marriage. I thought I had seen the signs: his disconnecting from the rest of the family, isolating himself, keeping different hours, not wanting to talk. I suspected him of lying, but could not know for sure. The funny thing (funny, sad...not funny, ha ha) was that he told others I did not care...even the woman he eventually left me for.

Well, he did not actually leave. He spent time with her, made plans to have a future with her, but then abruptly, for some inexplicable reason(s), he stayed. He said he realized how much he was throwing away, but never elaborated when pressed.

And now in March 2008, he says he "thinks he loves me," but in that there is great doubt (within me). For this proclamation occurred after I discovered he had lied about many important things, and I only know what was presented before me. I still don't know the extent of the lies, and I do not know if the lies persist. How can I?

I will acknowledge that some things have changed for the better in recent months. He is looking at things differently, and feels things are better between us. He has been less isolated and actually participates in the relationship more than he has in a very long time. If these are authentic changes in his perspective and helps him to see things differently, then this is a good thing no matter what is behind it.

But he still gets irritated with me and I frankly don't know why. It is almost as if I cannot do anything right in his eyes. It seems the only valid perception in this relationship is his. He does not want to talk about our relationship, or his relationship with the woman I know about. I now have found he has love relationships with at least four women. He said there is nothing there, but that is what he said about the other woman. He said he would not leave again, that he was here for us to build a future, but he has already spoken of buying an airplane ticket. Is this all a lie or is it Truth? I certainly do not know. Is this the manipulation I must now look forward to? If it is not manipulation, it is either true or not, and so I go around in mental circles, not knowing what our Reality (together or not) truly is. And there is where I am stuck, but perhaps it is too soon to tell...

The Nature of Truth

Say not, "I have found the truth,"
but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the Path to the Soul;"

say rather, "I have met the Soul
walking upon my Path."

For the Soul walks upon all paths.

The Soul walks not upon a line;

neither does it grow like a reed.

The Soul unfolds itself,

like a lotus of countless petals.

Kahlil Gibran

Human Beings or Spiritual Beings?

Nothing is so precious as what is
yourself in others and others in yourself.
You and the world you live in are but a grain of sand
upon the infinite shore of an infinite sea.
I AM the infinite sea, and all the worlds
are but grains of sand upon My Shore.

Kahlil Gibran
I thought I would share with others who happened to stumble here some of the Wisdom which I have acquired over time on this Journey called Life...My guiding philosophy gleaned from this cumulative Wisdom is: LIVE WITH THE HIGHEST PERSONAL INTEGRITY BECAUSE YOU MUST LIVE WITH YOURSELF...and it has served me well.

I believe we are all Children of the Law of One, and as such, have a choice and a responsibility to remain true to ourselves as Children of Divinity. This is a Path both simple and complex. Though we each may tread different paths along the Way, we are all on a Journey to the same Destination, which is not a place that can be found, but a state of Being that can be reached. Consequently, we should lend a helping hand to others at whatever station in Life, whatever stage of spiritual growth they are, for "the unity of the Soul of one man with God is the unity of the Soul of all men with God." Evolving into who we truly are is an on-going process, which takes many lifetimes, and we can always learn more about what it means to be Human and Spiritual Beings. Above all, NEVER underestimate the power of Love in all of its diverse forms, no matter how bleak and dark the Times may seem...

Only Love can bring individual beings to their perfect completion as individuals,
by uniting them one with another, because only Love takes possession of them and unites them by what lies deepest within them.
This is simply a fact of our everyday experience. For indeed at what moment do lovers come into the most complete possession of themselves if not when they say they are lost in one another? And is not Love all the time achieving--in couples, in teams, all around us--the magical, and reputedly contradictory feat
of personalizing through totalizing? And why should not what is daily achieved on a small scale be repeated one day on world-wide dimensions?
Humanity, the Spirit of the Earth, the synthesis of individuals and peoples,
the paradoxical conciliation of the Element
with the Whole, of the one with the many:
all these are regarded as utopian fantasies;
yet they are biologically necessary;
and if we would see them made Flesh
in the World, what more need we do
than imagine our power to love growing and broadening
until it can embrace the totality of Men and of the Earth?

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Also, a helpful guideline for discernment is remembering that "...the essential criterion of Truth... is its power of developing infinitely--not only without ever producing internal contradiction, but also in such a way as to form a positively constructed whole in which the parts support and complement one another ever more effectively." In the words of T.H. Huxley "...we stand on an islet in the midst of an ocean of inexplicability..." Yet with clear Vision and true Strength is Wisdom attained.

Many of us find wisdom along the Path in many forms--through a blog or other online post, books, poetry, film, in Nature, a child's smile, a song's lyrics, another's words spoken at just the right Moment. We may be blessed with being able to see the Truth threading its way through these Moments, and guiding us in mysterious and inexplicable ways. Learn to trust these bits of intuition and synchronicity.

Love After Love

The time will come when, with elation you

will greet yourself arriving at your own door,

in your own mirror and each will smile at

the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself,

to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs,

the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

On Being Human

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival:
A joy, a depression, a meanness;
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep the house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from Beyond.

Rumi

Seeking Peace of Mind in the Blogosphere

Plain and simple, this is catharsis...and actually quite zen when I think about it. I am making public private thoughts, which are not for public comment, but personal clarity. Let me get to the point: this blog is about relationships and the struggles that I am certain everyone can identify with. This will not be gossip. It will not be presented in the "let me bash my bf/gf," or "I wish they would burn in hell..." sort of way. I am not seeking public approval for my actions and feelings, as I have seen so many relationship blogs do.

Catharsis:
a) A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming
experience, that restores or refreshes the Spirit;
b) A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions,
described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.

I have already penned some content for this blog, but I thought that an introduction was appropriate. This is not an exercise in isolated narcissism, but a sharing of human feelings for other human be-ings. Yes, I am seeking clarity and peace of mind in an exercise of naked candor. In this stretching of the proverbial spiritual muscles, I am hoping to let go of some of my human foibles and imperfections, and grow in the process. I am hoping to restore and refresh my Spirit. This blog is mainly about being honest and then testing it. In this process, I hope to find direction.

However, we are human and, though we are individuals and make our own choices, humans go through very similar things. So I am also hoping to give something to those who may waiver between idealism and cynicism, who have been battered and beaten by the tragic drama that is Life, but still want to believe that there is something Higher for them to aspire to, to be a part of (not apart from). I doubt many will come across this blog amidst the ocean of babble, but if you are reading this now, believe you have found these words for a reason. Stop for a Moment and accept the synchronicity... marvel in it.

At this point in my Life, I could be bitter and see the World as half empty, but this just brings one's Spirit down, and makes us ugly inside and out. There is Beauty and Love and Harmony and Peace out there, but we have to have different eyes to see these things clearly. Eyes are the windows to the Soul, and this blog is about seeking a peace of Spirit as well, for unless we see the Beauty, Love, Harmony and Peace within, Paradise may surround us and we will be blind to it.

I do not pretend to have the Answers. If I did, I would not be sitting here blogging. I am hoping to find some answers and inner peace. If you, Reader, join me in this journey, I welcome the company along the Way.